We’ve seen him on Ellen saying he’s done some bad things. We’ve seen him get shot (to the glee of many people) in a role on what may or may not have been CSI. We’ve seen him smile like a smug bastard after drinking and driving and getting pulled over for drag racing.

But can we see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Wait, what? Wrong advert? Sorry. Yes, Mr. Scotter — what’s that, it’s Scooter? Yes sure, Scotty, whatever — Braun, I got the money deposited into my Swiss bank account and the one in the Cayman Islands. Yes, of course, sure. Can I write something unbiased in Bieber’s favour? …You do realize that’s an oxymoron, right? And you do realize you’re a moron, right?  That’s irrelevant to the topic at hand? You’re not paying me to argue with you? Alright. Time to get down to the article.

Bieber recently got roasted, much like Tadashi Hamada.

…Too soon?

During the roast, a whole bunch of references to his recklessness, idiotic behaviours, and tumultuous few years occurred, as is the point of roasts. To make fun of one’s faults and self, because no one is above reproach (besides Beyonce and Mariah Carey), and (forcibly) humbling people through humour is one of life’s greatest joys.

Bieber….g-g-

I can’t do it, Scouter. (Scooter.) Whatever. I can’t do this. Take the money back.

…You’ll increase it, you say?

Tenfold, you say?

*clears throat* Ahem.

Bieber..g-g…graciously (*raucous coughing and gagging, hissing and spitting*) acknowledged all the roasts with….good nature, and also gave nod to how he wasn’t proud of those events, and wished to turn over a new leaf. How convenient. Is it a coincidence that Mr. Bieber does so as soon as Spring is blooming into season? Was that intentional? Is it a conspiracy? Coincidence? I think not.

#IlluminatiConfirmed

I choose to believe that the past few years were Bieber’s initiation and hazing by the Illuminati, to prove undying loyalty to them. I suspect he’s in now, and that can’t bode well for the rest of us.

At any rate, I think we shouldn’t hold someone’s past mistakes against them and give them the chance to redeem and better themselves, because as the wise queen goddess mother spirit of holiness Beyonce once said, “Every saint (Beyonce stans) have a past. And every sinner (anti-Beyonce stans) have a future.” Says so right there in the Beyble. The Beygency will let you read a copy if they catch you doing something Beylasphemous.

Jokes aside, I’m not a fan of the kid either (although I think his album Journals is bangin’ — and I may or may not have been paid to say that by Scootie Bratwurst or whatever), despite being a fellow Canadian, but he’s growing and needs some room. It can’t be easy to grow up in the lime light; trust me, as the great-nephew of Michael Jackson thrice removed, I know. Still doesn’t excuse the racist shit he’s pulled, but hey, that’s what white privilege’s for, and hey, that’s what I’m here for (to drag racist people).

Bieber’s got a long road ahead of him, and it’s one he hopefully won’t be drag-racing while intoxicated down. I think we’ll see pretty quickly if this new Bieber is faux or for real rather quickly. And if it so happens he’s fake, you best beliebe that I will be filing my nails and going, “I told you so.”

But for now, I’ll give him a chance, and go boil and exorcise myself for saying ‘beliebe.’

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