Written and Transcribed by: Tanner Schroeder

Tonight Nick Offerman, Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation, spoke at Indiana University Bloomington on his “Full Bush” tour. I was lucky enough to have a seat in the audience and it was quite a fantastic show. I highly recommend that if he is coming to your area you get tickets to see him immediately. At one point during the performance, Mr. Offerman talked about the controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act that has recently been passed in Indiana. As you know Nick Offerman recently cancelled all Indiana performances outside of the Indiana University show after the passing of the bill. Mr. Offerman had wondered, as many of us had, what Leslie Knope and Ron Swanson would have thought of the bill. Luckily for us Mr. Offerman is friends with Parks and Recreation creator Michael Schur and was able to ask this question directly to him. Mr. Offerman then read that response to us at the show this evening. I was able to acquire a recording of Mr. Schur’s response, as read by Nick Offerman from tonight’s show at Indiana University. Below you will find exactly what Ron and Leslie would have thought of Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Enjoy.

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Michael Schur as read by Nick Offerman:

“I’ve had a lot of people ask me how Leslie Knope and Ron Swanson would have felt about [The Religious Freedom Act]. I haven’t responded because the show is over and felt like the national discussion was coursing along at a fine speed. But then yesterday Ron Swanson texted me directly to ask for my thoughts, so now I have to answer, because he is Ron Fu***ing Swanson. I read one article that said confidently that both Leslie and Ron would have found things to like about the bill. To quote George F. Will, “This is nonsense on stilts.” Leslie Knope would have seen this bill for what it is, a carefully worded expertly constructed document that reminds gay, lesbian, and transgendered people that they are second class citizens. Leslie would have reminded us that recently as the late 1960s certain businesses tried shit like this, only they said God wanted only white people to eat in their restaurant. And she would have further reminded us that the Supreme Court had a good long laugh and told them to scram. Leslie would have said that while religious freedom is a basic and fundamental right, it is not more basic or more fundamental than the words “All men are created equal,” even though she would have then gone on a long rant about the use of the word men instead {Becomes unintelligible due to clapping]. And she might have also pointed out that religious freedom from government oppression is not the same thing as telling a gay couple you won’t bake them a cake to help them celebrate their desire to formalize their romantic love just because you get skeeved out by two dudes kissing. Then she would have told you to get over it for Christ sake, who you love is who you love, it’s 2015. She would have asked for people to recognize that every American citizen deserves respect. And that every citizen has to make small compromises in order to make room for everyone else. And finally Leslie would have asked that instead of passing bills that cloak basic intolerance in that nice sounding, but ultimately deceptive idea of religious freedom, maybe we should focus on passing laws that actually help people who, you know, have no food or jobs or something. Leslie would also be annoyed at herself for this final ad hominem attack on the bill we’re discussing, but she tended to get a little riled up and sometimes forgot her old debate club teachings.

As for Ron, he would have hated the bill because it was a bill made by the government.

I will add despite my full stop that [Ron Swanson] would also have hated it because he was a libertarian and that means he thinks the government should stay the hell out of people’s lives and bed rooms and any law that can [unintelligible] take a stance on people’s private choices, and make no mistake that is what this bill is doing, is a piece of shit bill.

Side note: Ron loves well-run businesses more than anything, except maybe puzzles. And the people he would have really have been mad at are the morons who were turning up their noses at good old-fashioned American greenbacks, which the last time Ron checked were worth exactly the same amount regardless of the private choices of the person who was offering to hand them over in exchange for a god damn wedding cake. Ron and Leslie would both agree, that in this country, we get to think and feel however we want, as individuals, in our own homes without fear of persecution. We live in that protected shade. When you start a business you don’t get to live in the same shade. You’re leaving your private life and entering a public square where people of all types can come in and survey your wears. And in the American public space no one gets to pick or choose who is worthy of being a full citizen and who is not. As long as you are not breaking a law, you get to participate exactly as everyone else does. That’s the damned deal.”

Nick Offerman went on to say that while filming for Parks and Recreation was over, had it still been filming he would have cancelled any further trips to Indiana again because of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act.

The rest of the performance was equally amazing. Nick Offerman came across with the same dry humor seen in his character Ron Swanson. The added giggles, that’s right giggles, coming from Mr. Offerman added to the jokes and songs he performed this evening. I highly recommend that if Nick Offerman is coming to your area you get tickets as soon as you can.

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