Yer a wizard, ‘Arry!
That is the first thing I think of whenever someone starts to talk about witches and wizards, and that’s perfectly fine by me. But history hasn’t treated those of a witchy nature in the best way, showing them the love we do now thanks to books like Harry Potter. Today I present to you, in no particular order, the craziest witches and wizards stories, both real and mythological. Hop on those brooms, homies, we got history to tour!
Courtesy of: TumblrLet’s start out with a dose of reality, first. Many of us know about the Salem Witch Trials that took place in 1692, and those ‘witches’ make this list, but other parts of the world have the cauldron-loving people paying the price as well.
10) Merga Bien
A German heiress who happened to kill her 2nd husband and his children is our first witch of the day. A man by the name of Balthasar von Dernbach (and we have a winner for badassiest name) was a legit ‘witch hunter’ and tracked this lady down. She was convicted during the Fulda Witch Trials and at the time, laws dictated that women who were pregnant were exempt from execution. But Merga put the nail in her own coffin by saying the baby she was carrying was a demon. Where’s Sam and Dean Winchester when you need them!? Miss Merga was tied to a stake and burnt alive, but she wasn’t the last – roughly 250 other people were burnt at the stake and it only stopped because Dernbach passed away in 1605. Sheesh, talk about a vendetta.
Courtesy of: msakharoth
9) Kael Merrie
In the Spanish Netherlands there was a Dutch woman by the name of Kael Merrie who seriously sounds like the crazy lady Hansel and Gretel encounter out in the woods. She was accused of making milk that was unable to be churned into butter, paralyzing some poor little piggy and of course, making children sick. Her fate was decided during the Roermond Witch Trials and were the largest that took place in the Netherlands. At the start of the trials, the Catholic Spaniards conducting them were pretty chill and let skepticism win over. Merrie got out of her charges and high tailed it out of there, only to be caught by a crazy group of Spanish mercenaries who threw her into the Maas River. You almost made it, Merrie.
Courtesy of: History Witch
8) Rasputin
When I think of Grigori Rasputin I think of the animated movie Anastasia and the weird little bat friend he had constantly flying around with him. However, this man was very real and very mysterious. A notorious boozehound and skirt chaser, he was the chief spiritual advisor to Tzar Nicholas II. The child of the Tzar, named Alexei, had hemophilia, which is a genetic disorder that basically means your blood doesn’t clot and you therefore bleed on and on and on. Apparently Rasputin would do some magic voodoo stuff and suddenly Alexi would stop bleeding. Rasputin was loathed by many Russian nobles and after what seems like a billion attempts at his life, they finally assassinated him in 1916. Listen to this song below… it’s priceless. I just need you to make it to the end of the song because that’s the best part!
7) Aleister Crowley
Rasputin has nothing on Mr. Crowley here when it comes to women. The Englishman would combine drugs, magic and sex to fuel whatever crazy plot he had going on in that head of his. He believed that in order to gain the power to perform magical spells he pretty much had to have an orgy, stat. Sex magic is usually supposed to empower the user either physically or psychically (or maybe both), but it can also be used to summon demons. What in the world was Crowley up to? Also, his crazy-ass inspired Gerald Gardner to found Wicca and gave a man named Anton LaVey (who is a whole other spectrum of batshit crazy) the idea to form the Church of Satan. For real. So the next time you listen to that “Mr. Crowley” song by Ozzy Osbourne, you’ll know the truth behind it all.
http://youtu.be/fF2oh1RRL5I
6) Agnes Sampson
This Scottish dame is believed to be witch #1, the one who started the lets-burn-the-nutjobs-at-the-stake extravaganza. In 1590, on Halloween night nonetheless, she went to a witches’ Sabbath hosted by Satan himself (I wonder if they had hors d’oeuvres beforehand). They conjured up a colossal storm over the North Sea because Queen Anne of England was on a ship and well, she’s probably better off dead, right? While the queen did survive the storm, she did have to abandon her trip, so something worked out for Anges. Later on, King James VI (hubby to Anne) went a-sailin’ on the North Sea and Agnes sent out another brutal storm (or so it goes). She was later burnt at the stake that same year during the North Berwick Witch Trials, by the end of which saw about 70 executions.
Courtesy of: CanadianContent
5) Alice Kyteler
Guys, this is a weird one. Alice was fond of Satanic rituals that usually involved ingredients such as hair from the butts of unbaptized children, as well as the clothes they wore. Seriously. Like, what? I just… I can’t even. Anyway, she killed 4 husbands and it was on the 4th endeavor that his children finally noticed something funny. She was accused of poisoning her husbands as well as sacrificing animals to dear ole Satan. In 1324 she was tried and convicted of witchcraft, becoming the first case in Ireland. Her story ends in an odd manner though: she was sentenced to death but vanished into the darkness the night before her execution. Maybe witchcraft is real, afterall?
Courtesy of: Choose Ireland
Starting “The Great Noise”, a witch hunting/burning/chasing/beheading era in Sweden that lasted from 1668 to 1676, was Ms. Jonsdotter. She had fingers pointed at her thanks to a child named Gertrud Svendsdotter, who might have been upset that her father was unable to win over Jonsdotter’s heart in a short courtship. Little Gertrud was no angel though, as she was also accused of witchery things, such as leading a small procession of goats across the water like an itty bitty Swedish Moses. It’d almost be cute if it wasn’t such a problem with the laws of physics. Gertrud said it was Jonsdotter who taught her the ways of the witch and even introduced her to the devil. During the trial, Gertrud’s father claimed that Jonsdotter rode him to Blockula, a mythical Swedish meadow, and that he was a horse while she did the riding. Yeah. Jonsdotter’s little sister added to the pile saying that the two of them rode cows to Blockula where they killed the animals and slept with the Devil. After all this, Jonsdotter wouldn’t confess and according to the current laws, she could therefore not be executed. She kept on with her ways though, some laws were changed and she was caught and put on trial again in 1672. She didn’t make it out of that one alive – she was decapitated and then burnt for good measure.
Courtesy of: ListVerse
3) Angele de la Barthe
Apparently the Devil really gets around, because Angela here popped out his baby. A baby who happened to be 33% human, 33% wolf and 34% snake (even numbers = good) who had an appetite for babies (and I’d bet destruction). She was apart of a Christian dualist movement called Catharism and of course, that was seen as a bad thing in local religious eyes. Being accused of witchcraft that involved babies mysteriously vanishing, she confessed and was tortured all to hell by the Inquisition. Yes, THAT Inquisition. The one that set the standard for inhuman horrors. Even though she was a noble, she was executed during the Medieval Witch Hunt. I bet she was glad to get the torture over with.
Courtesy of: KritterBox
2) Marie Catherine Laveau
For those of us who don’t watch American Horror Story, Laveau is simply just another lady who gained a little notoriety for some mystical adventures. She was known as the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans, and with as much mythical and witchcrafty things that take place in that city, that is one hell of a title. She was sought out by anyone and everyone for help, including some world leaders. She was highly influential and had a way with intimidation. Her resume included telekinesis, mind control, necromancy and pinning. She might be the ONLY person on this list that lived a decent life though, as she died peacefully at home in 1881.
Courtesy of: Haunt Jaunts
I’d consider these witches to be the most famous and have inspired countless movies and tv shows. The insanity began in 1692 when the daughter and niece of Reverend Samuel Parris started just losing their minds in the little town of Salem, Massachusetts. The town doctor used put on his thinking cap and said the fits of screaming and body contortions were caused by the Devil (are you seeing a trend yet?). The little girls though blamed 3 people though instead of the devil, bringing the story back to reality. The accused included a beggar, an old lady and a slave. The slave said that yeah, they dealt with the Devil but hey, check out all these other witches in town! Soon enough paranoia dropped on Salem like a super heavy and super deadly blanket and the first to be hung was Bridget Bishop. Over 200 people were accused of witchcraft and ultimately 18 others followed in Bishops’ steps to the gallows.
Courtesy of: National Geographic
While many people perished due to paranoia and lack of education about the matter, or honestly, just being bad people, there are others who retain a mythical aura about them. I now present to you the fictional witches and wizards, also in no particular order:
10) Merlin
Freakin’ Merlin, duh. If you are unsure who this guy is, all you need is this:
http://youtu.be/7bd5YUEOwlE
Good luck getting this out of your head the rest of the day. You’re welcome.
9) Morgan Le Fay (aka Morgaine)
Another Kind Arthur legend that supposedly ran around with Merlin is this lady. She tried taking down Queen Guinevere and messed with the quests of King Arthur, which I’m sure was a dumb idea. The yin to Merlin’s yang, Morgan Le Fay has also had numerous TV and movie appearances. She’s been known as a fairy, sea goddess, shape-shifter, healer, magician and of course, witch. She’s the half sister to King Arthur (I dare you to look up that family tree) and was definitely attracted to Sir Lancelot. She wasn’t ever really evil in the sense, just kind of meddling in everyone else’s business.
Courtesy of: Wikipedia
This witch, who clearly hates toothpaste and any other kind of dental hygiene, is widely known in England. She also goes by Ginny, Jinny, Jeannie or Wicked Jenny. She loves to drown people anywhere she possibly can, so if you’re in Britain and near water, back it on up. Some people believe that Jenny Greenteeth is just an actual misrepresentation for duckweed, which has been known to wrap itself around a person’s leg while swimming. Either way, Jaws is definitely not the most terrifying thing in the water.
Courtesy of: FreakLore
7) Elphaba
Do you like to defy gravity? We know this ‘wicked’ this witch sure does. We first meet her as the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz , but we are given a back story in Wicked: The Life And Times Of The Wicked Witch Of The West by author Gregory Maguire. Her life story has been adapted into a Broadway musical of the same name, one that I have seen and adore to no end. A absolutely misunderstood witch in the truest sense of the term, she ends up being hated in the land of Oz. She and her flying monkeys still dominate my fears of being captured and flown into some creepy castle. Flying monkeys are the worst.
Courtesy of: Wicked
6) Gandalf The Grey/White
Gandalf is baller and should be the true king/wizard/god of Middle Earth. He has pet eagles that do his bidding, a horse that’s faster than the speed of sound and knows how to kick some ass with his wizard’s staff. Also, he likes to share a little bit of Pipeweed with his amigos, the hobbits of the Shire. Excuse me, I have a Lord of the Rings marathon to go melt into right now…
Courtesy of: Wiffle Gif
5) Dolores Umbridge
Imelda Staunton played this character so perfectly, it makes me get goosebumps thinking about her little *ahem* noise she makes. I cannot for the life of me think of a fictional character that has caused more unrelenting hatred in a community than the ultimate bitch, Dolores Umbridge. While reading of the torture she put Harry Potter through both physically and emotionally, I pretty much wanted to embed the book into my bedroom wall. She was a puppet for the evil Ministry of Magic and ultimately was ousted by the students of Hogwarts, disappearing into the forest with some very pissed off centaurs. Just writing about her right now makes me want to snap my keyboard in half – GAHHH!
Courtesy of: Tumblr
4) Hecate
This queen bee is quite literally the goddess of witchcraft. If there was ever an epicenter for magic, it’s this deity. She was also the goddess of poisons, plants, necromancy, ghosts and sorcery, so drinking anything she brought to dinner would be tasty followed by a deadly dose of stupid. Overall, she was a nice goddess compared to some of the others (Hera, I’m looking at you) but I’d be curious to see her take on how witches and wizards have been treated through the years.
Courtesy of: ListVerse
3) The Sanderson Sisters
If you make it through the month of October, and especially on Halloween, and do not watch Hocus Pocus, you have done yourself a great disservice. I will be the FIRST person to file a petition if some idiot studio executive ever thinks it’s even half of a good idea to remake this film. Do not touch it. Ever.
2) Mickey Mouse
Wait, what!? Are you, Shannon Beaty, telling me, the reader, that Mickey Freaking mouse is a wizard?! Yes, darling, I am. In 1940 an AMAZING film came out of Walt Disney Studios called Fantasia, prompting children and maybe some adults everywhere to be a little more wary of brooms. Mickey had upon his mighty mouse head the coolest hat in the universe and commanded music like it was his little puppet. If you have yet to see Fantasia, go get it right now. Go find the original though, as it was presented back in 1940, because that’s the only acceptable version.
1) Harry Potter
I’m still waiting on my letter from Hogwarts.
What witches and wizards did I miss out on? There are so many stories out there, let us know what you find!
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