Dear Mr. MCInnes,
I recently stumbled upon a post regarding a segment of yours on Fox News' Hannity Show (clip above). Now, I have a brain and therefore do not watch Fox News, so I count on the good people that run the internet to keep me abreast of all the idiocy coming from the network. I find the "experts" to be most amusing; and, in a world like ours, God knows we need all the laughter we can find.
Now, you seemed downright disgusted to have to share the stage with Tamara Holder, who actually seems like one of the only reasonable characters on this putrid network. I'm sorry her strong independence caused you so much discomfort. You, a strong, successful white man surely did not deserve that affront to your character!
Let's move onto your claims. First, let me thank you for enlightening me. I have been so incredibly misguided all these years in my professional ambitions. You are SO RIGHT! The reason I get paid less than my male counterparts is because I'm less ambitious! I would so much rather frolic through a field of wildflowers with my progeny than bring home a paycheck, and the powers at be can feel the mommy vibes just flowing off of me. They don't trust my dedication, and who can blame them?
And, as you so eloquently pointed out in your 15 minutes of fame, "If you were a real feminist, you would support housewives and see them as the heroes, and women who work [sic] wasting their time." I've been doing a disservice to feminists for years by fighting for equal pay and opportunities for them. I should have been fighting for legislation that would require women to stay home with their whelp and shut up about it! You also state that it's a "fact" that women are not fit to hold office and are better suited in the home. Out of curiosity, could you please cite your sources the next time you spout facts? Just for the sake of legitimacy, you know?
My belief that the patriarchy was to blame for this situation was so far off base. I mean, when you think about it, it just doesn't really make logical sense that an equally qualified and educated woman with the same experience as a man should make the same wage. Honestly, what was I even thinking? It must be my fragile female emotions and mind getting in the way of rational thought. For shame.
In fact, I plan on tendering my resignation this very moment so that I may go home to my rightful place, lay on my back, put my legs in the air and have my husband knock me up for a third time, just for good measure. Only then may I embark upon my exclusive journey as nursemaid/vessel/incubator/chef/chauffeur/personal assistant/house wench.
It's about time we women start to know our place, and I personally intend to spread your good word from the rooftops, as soon as I grow my wings to fly up there. I also have a piece of advice for YOUR eternal happiness, so please, listen closely:
There have been studies (this is a fact now and you must just believe me when I say that) that suggest that gay men are happier than straight men. THERE HAVE BEEN STUDIES. Therefore, in order to reach your full potential for happiness, it is imperative that you bend over and start taking it up the ass right now. NOW, maybe that's not what you WANT to do, but these studies have been published on the internet, and I'm saying it, so you need to just trust me on this one, okay? I only have your best interests at heart, truly. I'll be sending a care package with some lube, condoms and a Grindr tutorial. That tan suit has got to go, though. These are the gays we're talking about, after all; and they won't accept anything less than impeccable style.
In all seriousness, Mr. McInnes, when you have Sean Hannity clearly embarrassed by your outlandish and, quite frankly, psychotic, rants you KNOW shit has officially hit the fan. Here's a suggestion for you: Keep your enormous beak out of my happiness and I'll leave you be to explore yours. In fact, when we get to the point where we are able, my husband will be staying home to raise our daughters while I continue to work. How do you like them apples? You have single-handedly shamed feminists, female workers and housewives alike simultaneously. If you weren't such an enormous fromunda stain, I may be impressed with your multitasking abilities.
Also, you can't be a hipster and a misogynistic asshat. That's far too much douche in one abhorrent package. Pick one.
Oh, and in case you forgot...