You know, I love the GOP Debate. They're great; presidential debates have been on each year since the 1960s. So that now makes this GOP Debate television's longest running sitcom. Ever.
Before we start, let me mind you that I am completely indifferent to the world of politics. As a journalist, I am strictly nonpartisan and hold no leans, and I like making jokes about the idiotic world of United States Politics. So, while I am going to "roast" the GOP Debate and give you a humorous recap, I would do the same with the Democratic debates as well.
So, why don't we take a look at everyone who spoke, but in a way that's much cooler than the "announce and clap" way that CNN did it.
Let's start off with Donald Trump. I mean, this man looks amazing at 95 years old, and that his classic "duck face" also made an appearance last night. About four times.
And what's bothering me is that I thought the FCC was supposed to block things that were incredibly obscene:https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676953992979726337
Yeah, that one! That look on his face! Oh, Donald, why do you do this? Well, my theory is that his lips a life of their own. "Frankenlips" by Shelley explains it all.
Next up, we had the always fun Jeb Bush, who is the only guy in the room brave enough to diss Trump in every second he's talking. For starters, he called him a "chaos candidate" and even questioned his outlandish statements. Then, they went at it, but we'll get to that later.
He also helps us recall how scary the Bush family is, so when he was introduced, they accidentally ran the opening credits from American Horror Story.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676946896116666368
Ben Carson could barely get a word in edge wise in the GOP Debate and decided to play the "class clown" technique. In fact, he reminds us that doctors always fail to make us laugh. Especially because he cracked his jokes at the WRONG TIMES. Such as here, when he said "You got it" with a smirk and pointed to the camera after being accused of being OK with the deaths of thousands of children.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676961944906170368
Then there was Marco Rubio, the poor senator from Florida that has dropped in the polls because he was TRUMPED by other candidates. Literally. However, after being the only... well, sane person there tonight who didn't fight with anyone, he's rising again. Even after being posted by Rand Paul, who makes us question why hair gel should be allowed at GOP Debates.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676950274427248640
Ah, and then Carly Fiorina, a CEO of one of the largest computer companies in the world, had a lot to say about technology and social media. However, she didn't know that Twitter was actually invented years before SnapChat, which in her mind, is a weapon we need to start checking out. But here, she says the government needs to play Big Brother and start checking out social media, including Snapchat, where pictures disappear literally three seconds after you open it. Eh, I didn't like her outfit. Sometimes I mistook her for a pepper.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676954260182048768
Chris Christie was the "let's get down to business" guy last night. Oh, and he also always seemed to look like something smelt terrible.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676972548756791297
And Ted Cruz, who decided the most powerful way to boost his struggling campaign was to tag team with the most popular kid in the cafeteria: Trump. These two were bouncing off each other with... their... great... ideas... um... anyway, so they decided to use each other to their advantages. "Don't worry about it," Trump told CNN when asked about endorsing Cruz. "...Ok?" they replied. And then, they both acted like the best of pals. So, #goals? No. NO.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676974177161756674
Then there was Kasich, who barely spoke and honestly who didn't present anything far as entertaining than the guys above.
So, if you missed the GOP Debate, it's probably rerunning tonight on Comedy Central or Adult Swim... just kidding. But we have a full reel of highlights for you guys right here.
Basically, there were multiple fights between Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Let's find a clip of it.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ynABVBu7dM&h=500
Just kidding, but sadly, Trump won the fight they had, which involved them talking over each other and trump legitimately trolling him.
First, he completely owned Bush after he tried to interrupt him. "Go back," and "Have you apologized yet? No," were just the beginning. Then, when Bush tried to come back, Trump told him his attempt to build up his energy was "not working" at all for him.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676955501993828352
The trolling continued when Trump pulled out the "I'm better than you are" card. And sadly, Jeb Bush realized that he couldn't squeeze his way out of this.https://twitter.com/CNNPolitics/status/676967551126142976
So while Trump was being a bully, I decided that I could create my own drinking game. While I don't drink alcohol, I know that many within the American populous do. So, without further ado, I present:
"Take a shot overtime ____ in the GOP Debate"
So, take a shot every time Trump says "Make America Great Again." And overtime Carly Fiorina says "solve the problem," do it. Oh, and when they talk past the "jackpot" jingle that signaled the end of their time to speak, take another. When they blame Hilary Clinton and plot to take her down? Another. You'll be like Karen Walker.
Can we also address that the Mayoral Debate between Adam West and Lois Griffin from "Family Guy" greatly resembled last night's GOP Debate? They seemed to use 9/11 to their advantage and addressed the questions, but never answered them.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm3d43HLyTI&h=500
And in addition, they also decided to take down Hilary Clinton and fully support each other, but then, they trash each other on TV? Does that make any sense at all?
Nope. So winners and losers, based on charts:https://twitter.com/nprpolitics/status/676979430015827970?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Overall, Jeb Bush proved that he wasn't going down without a fight, even though he was 3 percent in recent polls. Trump played it safe and only really roughed with Bush. Rubio didn't fight back with any of the candidates and gave the performance that a serious candidate should give, and Cruz did a fine job at avoiding jabs and discussing policies.
Ben Carson barely spoke and when he did, he was too busy trying to be funny and humorous instead of expressing his ideas. Rand Paul tried to tango with each of the candidates who weren't interested in arguing with him in the first place. Fiorina had nothing to tell the people, except that they need to "solve the problem" that is what is wrong with America. So... how would you do that? And Kasich went unnoticed.