Hi Oncers! I’m back with another Once Upon A Time recap, so hold onto your butts.

Author is on the loose, Zelena is Marian in disguise. Regina is about to throw on some pleather and kick some ass…

We see a little blonde running through the woods, being persued by a dalmation… Cruella is that you!? She’s stopped by an older woman, who is commanding two dalmations. Her mother isn’t happy she ran away, forcing her back into the home she’s  being held prisoner in. Her father is dead, so this isn’t the happiest of households; making the situation worse is the fact that Cruella has to live in the attic. So she’s basically a Cinderella/Rapunzel hybrid.

Modern day Cruella cruising around mischievously in her badass car, almost running Maleficent over. She asks why Cruella lied about Lilly and Cruella spouts off that she left the child in the woods to die, as she’s a horrible person. Maleificent goes all dragony and Cruella puffs out some eerie green mist, calming the dragon and making it obedient to her will. Cruella De Vil: Dragon Whisperer.

The heroes are still hunting for the author and Emma is still emo child towards mom and dad. Regina pops in and explains the Robin Hood situation, saying she’s going to NYC to fix it and how to beat the bejesus out of Gold. She goes and visits Belle at the pawn shop… oh buddy.

The author, named Isaac, is Gold’s prisoner in the little cabin the woods. Gold explains that once the savior is dark, the pieces will fall into place and they’ll get the ink for the quill. The author notices a fur coat on the wall, sniffs it (not creepy at all) and fondly reminisces. Being the author, I know that he knows who Cruella is… but nobody makes that face for anyone less than a close friend. Rumpz gets called away to the well, where Belle has summoned him. He shows her his heart, which is basically a lump of coal. He won’t die though, he’ll lose the ability to love.. and the only person who can fix this devastating process is the author. Belle gives him a bit of sympathy, giving them such a tender moment. “I worry I threw out the chipped tea cup too soon…” They have a lovely kiss before Belle pulls back, “You know what the problem is though…. Will is just SUCH a better kisser than  you…”

WHA?

Belle tells him how pathetic he is, ripping into him.

Regina walks up behind, holding Belle’s heart.

EVIL REGINA IS THE BEST REGINA.

Rumpz wants her head on a stick and she reminds him whose heart she’s holding. He plays with her and she squeezes a bit, forcing him to back off because that crazy lady is totes serious about killing Belle. She’s off to NYC and he best keep his face hole shut or “you won’t be the only one who loses a heart.” Yessss.

Cruella finds the author at the cabin and they clearly hate each other. She wants back what he took – what did he take? He refuses and she threatens to send dogs after him but he’s got the upper hand. He knows something that we don’t… what’s Cruella’s weakness? “You will pay for what you did when you made me what I am.” So the author made Cruella who she is, which makes sense as he’s got the quill of magic scribbles, but it seems as if he went a bit further with her. Isaac knows that Cruella lied to Rumpz about knowing who the author was. Cruella is having none of his shit: “Well, enjoy the upper hand while it’s still on your wrist.”

Line of the night, ladies and gents.

We see an older Cruella in her attic prison, listening to the Cruella De Vil theme song from 101 Dalmations. I love that they incorporated it into the show, although it doesn’t hold the same fear as in the cartoon classic. Her mother snatches the music box away from emo Cruella as the dogs start to bark outside. A man is at the door – Isaac. Wait. What? Cruella and Isaac are from our world? “I heard you’re the best dog trainer in London.” How odd that they were here… did they get sent to the Enchanted Forest? How in the world do they know everyone else in Storybrooke when they’re from our world? I’m hoping these questions get answered, as they’re the first to have this backstory.

Isaac asks the mother about an interesting story and she says there’s nothing super exciting there. He notices that she’s had 3 husbands and wants the stories behind them. She kicks his nosy ass out, telling him to write his own stories instead of leeching off other people’s misery. Cruella gets his attention from her attic window – you want a real story, bub? I got one for you, just help me escape.

Henry gets off the bus and Pongo, one of Cruella’s now-evil dog minions is there waiting. He takes off and Henry follows… right into Cruella’s trap.

A younger, less evil Cruella is in her attic when there’s a knock at the window – a key is left on the sill for her to escape. She gets out and meets up with Isaac, explaining that her mother is anal retentive and a jerk to her, ripping her favorite flowers out of the garden. They head to a speakeasy and the 20’s are certainly roaring there, bringing some much  needed chaos into sheltered Cruella’s life. She dishes that her mother keeps her locked up because Cruella knows mommy dearest’s secret – she’s killed all 3 of her husbands. “Cinderella tale with a black widow twist… now THIS is a great story!” Funny how he mentions another princess in Cruella’s tale. Isaac and Ms. De Vil get up and dance, and promise to live a little, as they haven’t until then.

Emma, who is looking more and more ragged, meets up with Regina before she heads to NYC, giving her a gun to defend herself with. Their phones go off with a video message from Henry… Cruella has him hostage, “If you want him to remain in tact, kill the author…”

For as evil as Cruella is, you got to give her credit. Her style and method of evil is fantastic.

Rumpz walks in and tells Isaac that he knows the author and dog enthusiast know eachother, cut the crap. Rumpz says that Cruella basically put a hit on his head, but he needs the author alive. Cruella wanted the author dead the whole time and Rumpz wants to know why. He unfolds a piece of paper with a dog stamp on it. Whatever is written puts an impish grin on Rumpz’s face, which is never a good thing.

Back in the 1920’s, the duo are still dancing, and definitely are getting closer. He shows her his nifty little quill and explains that it happens to have powers. He travels across realms of storytelling… weird to think we’re in our own realm of storytelling. He not only writes people’s stories, he can change them, proving it by writing something down real quick. Suddenly a diamond necklace appears around Cruella’s neck, along with a pair of earrings, proving the pen is indeed magical. He warns her to not get too grabby, as there is some mysterious thing that will happen in case the ink spills. He wants to run off with her, and she says it isn’t that simple. He gives her the  magic to control any animal she desires… he made her magical. They decide to run but before they go, she wants to go tell mother that she’s heading out. Isaac gives her the  key to his car, “It’s yours now”, and she takes off for home.

What. Have. You. DONE?!

Charming, Snow, Regina, Hook and Emma are planning on how to get Henry back.  They plan to use a locator spell on the flask the author dropped, as he’ll know how to find Cruella and Henry. Snow tries once more to get through to Emma how sorry she and Charming are for lying. Emma goes all emo teenager on her again and leaves. In the woods, Hook and Regina are trying to get through to Emma, that they lied to help. “Even heroes make mistakes, love.”

Cruella and Henry are on the side of a road, waiting for the heroes. Cruella is playing Angry Birds on the phone, clearly not loving the app, causing me to laugh so hard I choke. Henry sees a piece of glass nearby, cuts his bindings and takes off, but not before Cruella sends Pongo after him.

Isaac in the 1920’s is packing for Cruella as his mother shows up with two very pissed off dalmations. She explains that Isaac should know better than to believe a liar. It was Cruella who killed her husbands, explaining that as a child she was troubled and never grew out of it. The first husband died of a heart attack, found Cruella quite happy about it up in the attic. She found the flowers that were ripped out of the flower bed near Cruella – they were poisonous. She kept her child locked up to help fix her, but not before Cruella killed her other two husbands. She’s bad news bears, Isaac! He however is in love and doesn’t believe a word the mother says… until he looks and finds his magic quill missing.

The mother arrives home to find Cruella being all super creeptastic. She sends the dogs after Cruella, who with her newfound powers, listens to her now.

“What did you do to them?”

“I simply told them a new command… kill.”

The dogs rip into the mother. Damn.

Emma, Hook and Regina hear Henry calling out for help, only to find conch shells playing the voice back as a diversion, thanks to Rumpz. Henry runs from the dog and comes to the edge of a cliff. Cruella catches up and points her sexy little gun at Henry. Emma sees them, but not before Cruella grabs Henry and points the gun at him, “Come any closer and he dies…”

In the 1920’s Isaac finds Cruella sewing in her attic, absolutely out of her freakin’ mind. He asks where her mother is, and she explains that she had the dalmations kill her…

Cruella is sewing a jacket together.

Where are the dogs?

She puts on a very spotted jacket… “They’re with mother now.”

Holy shit this got dark.

Isaac is extremely upset, seeing that Cruella played him from the start. He sees the quill and makes a dash for it, flipping open the ink well to write a new ending for Cruella. The ink spills….. and transforms Cruella from the little psycho blonde into the black and white-haired badass we all know and love. She scrambles to get up as he scribbles something onto his paper. She goes to pull the trigger to kill him and can’t. Isaac smiles with a bit of malice.

“I learned a lesson from you: take what a person loves and destroy it.”

He grabs the inkwell and leaves, with her wailing in the attic that she isn’t anywhere near done.

Charming and Snow break into the cabin and ask what the author has done to Emma – even he couldn’t see the ending to Emma’s story.

Emma is going dark.

NO. NO NO NO NOOOOOOO.

Isaac pulls a piece of parchment from his belt: “Cruella De Vil can no longer take away the life of another.”

Henry is technically safe, but only Snow and Charming know that.

Cruella is still pointing the (defunct) gun at Henry, Emma trying to talk her out of it. Emma draws up some magic, she’ll do what she has to so that her son lives.

“But you’re a hero, and heroes don’t kill.”

Emma blasts Cruella off the cliff. Holy. Shit.

Snow and Charming arrive, but it’s too late, Cruella is beyond dead and Emma is starting to look like Emporer Palpatine. There’s some really bad stuff about to go down in pleasant little Storybrooke.

Courtesy of Giphy

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