Staff Writer
Welcome back Destroyers, and welcome to episode 4 of Destroy The Alpha Gamma’s “Are You Calling Me Aniston?”
It’s a beautiful sunny day and Adam and Carrie are hanging out on the basketball court. Adam’s wondering what it’s like for Carrie to be the president of the “newly reinvented” Delta Pi’s. It’s all very playful; they’re tossing the basketball between themselves, gosh they’re cute, anyways…Adam throws the ball a little too hard and it hits Carrie in the stomach. Adam rushes to make sure she’s ok, not that it’s a great distance he has to cover, they were already awfully close. And oh, have I mentioned how cute they are?
There’s a moment, they’re having a moment, they’re looking into each other’s eyes, and…Crap!
Suddenly, Carrie remembers somewhere more important she has to be (though where could be more important than in Adam’s arms is beyond me). She turns to go but Adam grabs her arm and asks what is so important, and she gives him the (lame) excuse that the girls need her. Turning to leave again, Carrie is stopped again by Adam’s grip on her arm.
Adam pulls Carrie into him and launches head first into Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” as they dance flirtily (is that a thing?) around the court. The song comes to a close and Adam grabs Carrie and gives her a twirl. One of the accompanying backing dancers throws Adam the ball and with his back to the net he tosses it and, swish, nothing but net, and the two celebrate with an embrace (awwww).
Authors Note: “You knock me off my feet now baby!” Michael Jackson may have sung it first, but yes Mr. Jon Hall, yes you do. Dude can sing!
The camera breaks away and we can see Carrie’s cheating ass ex Scott, propped up against a tree not looking very pleased with what he has just witnessed and he turns and sulks off.
Carrie runs up to some of her sisters lying on a blanket on the grass (I did say it was a beautiful sunny day) and tosses them a book, not just any book, the Holy Bible of Victory from the Alpha Gamma’s, telling them that Bex is the one who obtained it. (Oh, so that’s what was in the envelope last episode that Jen gave her during their clandestine spy meeting in the darkness and caused Bex to exclaim “What the fuck!”) Carrie tells them to study it and learn it, assuring her sisters that the AG’s have definitely broken some of their own rules while Autumn has been president.
Stacy flips through book, keep in mind it’s not a very big book, and says “Oh my God, there are so many words. This is going to take years” (Aw Stacy, I’m growing to love you). Carrie comforts her and tells her not to worry; she can be in charge of the snacks.
Time to check in with the AG girls and we see Autumn and Lauren having a little discussion about someone (we can only assume Scott) and why he hasn’t texted her back. “It’s been like two hours. His mum better have died or some shit” Autumn ever so caringly declares to which Lauren replies “Maybe you’re being too needy” Uh oh Lauren, probably shouldn’t have said that.
Autumn asks her politely (haha, yeah right) “Are you calling me an Aniston?” and Lauren stumbles in her response telling her that’s not what she meant, which is good because Autumn totally has Angelina running through her goddamn veins. Ok got it!
Mary comes up to her fellow sisters in a huff; apparently the Delta Pi’s are having another party, which judging by Autumn and Laurens reactions, is not something they should be doing. I mean, it’s not like they’re the cool sorority like the AG’s right? But, never fear… Autumn has an idea.
There’s a knock on the door of the DP’s house and when Carrie opens it standing there is Mr Belding, no, wait, I mean Officer Glenn from campus security (remember last week I paused the recap to announce that the campus security officer would look familiar, well, surprise!)
Officer Glenn tells Carrie that the music is a bit loud and enquires as to whether they are having a party. Don’t be silly Officer Glenn; it’s just a few close friends, nothing to see here. I don’t think he’s going to believe you Carrie because the rowdiness coming from inside the house tells a different story. He’s not buying it, or is he, it’s hard to tell, but either way he’s had a report that minors are being served alcohol. Alcohol! At a college party! That would never happen.
Despite Carrie’s very well formulated attempt at dissuading his suspicions, Officer Glenn insists that he has to come in and inspect for himself.
Now, it comes as no surprise that the AG’s are sitting in a car parked outside to watch the DP’s get busted, Autumn did have a plan remember.
Back inside and the party is in full swing. There’s people dancing, drinking, having a great time… Wait is that a beer bong? Anyways, there a noise and something breaks and everyone literally freezes (and yep, that’s a beer bong). Officer Glenn surveys the crowd, shining his torch in everyone’s faces. There’s a stage whisper in the background telling Stacy to get his “special coffee” and moments later she hands him a mug which I’d assume contains this “special” beverage.
Special coffee? More like magical coffee, coffee that has the ability for Officer Glenn to announce that there is nothing to see here, they never saw him, he was never there. And just like that, equipped with his “coffee” he departs and yay! the party is back on.
The poor AG’s are still in their car and growing impatient, Mary wants to know if he’s going to arrest them but is quickly taken from those thoughts when she spots Adam and Carrie heading out the front door. She seems upset at the sight and her sisters remind her that she dumped his ass and that Carrie can “have your sloppy seconds” (ew!!).
Back up at the house, Adam and Carrie are close again, really close. Her hands on his shoulder, his arms around her waist, he’s leaning down, she’s reaching up, and there it is… a kiss. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a kiss.
Next scene and oh, hello Scott, I forgot you existed. He’s holding a bunch of flowers, walking along the sidewalk and singing Gavin DeGraw’s “Not Over You”. Apparently Mary was a little bit more than just a little bit upset at seeing Adam and Carrie and the kiss, because she herself is singing the exact same song (what are the odds?) as she goes through her Adam box of memories. The two exes continue to sing while we are shown a montage of happy Scott/Carrie Mary/Adam memories.
The song plays along only now no more montage, we’re back in the present and we see Adam walk into his room and, oh, hello there shirtless Adam. Excuse me, where was I? Right, Adam, bedroom and oh look Mary is there too. Cut to Carrie who opens the door to her own room to find it crammed with balloons. Back with Adam, and Mary slips off her robe to reveal she is wearing some pretty sexy underwear (if I must say). Now to Carrie who parts the sea of balloons to reveal Scott standing there with the flowers he was carrying earlier.
Mary and Scott are still singing, they’re repeating the song lyrics “No matter what I say, I’m not over you” while Mary is seductively pressed up against Adam’s chest. The song comes to an end and Carrie smiles, or grins, no, smirks, yeah smirks. Mary is holding Adam, she reaches up, leans forward and…What!? No! Don’t end it there!
Oh My God. Why would you do that to me, to us, your loyal and faithful Destroyers?
I have questions…
Why was Carrie smirking? What was she thinking? Is Adam going to kiss Mary? See, questions. But the one thing I want to know more than anything is what the hell was in Officer Glenn’s cup?!
So that’s it. Another episode down and what an episode it was.
Don’t forget to tune in next Wednesday at 10am, on the Destroy the Alpha Gamma’s YouTube channel and hopefully we’ll get the answers we are looking for (thought I’m not sure anyone will ever tell us what the magical coffee was).
Stay cool, Destroyers. Until next week…
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