Oh, it's hard to believe it's Season 3 of Orphan Black already. I'll be your guide and resident snark commentator, S.A. Bouraleh.
Let's do the thing.
Quick reminder of important points:
Siobhan, my fave, betrayed Sarah's trust by handing Helena, my other fave, over to the military people, I think.
Rachel got a freaking pencil rocketed into her eye. God damn. I felt that.
The military handles the male clones, i.e. the dude who is with the pregnant daughter of the pastor (her own father, by the way) is one of them.
The first shot is of a very pregnant Helena with Sarah and Kira in what appears to be a baby shower. My other faves of Alison and Felix chat pleasantly. I'm getting the vibe this is a fantastical delusion. Everyone's way too happy.
Aaaaaand I was right. Helena deserves the world. Poor child goes through so much. I'm petitioning for her custody, the writers are too cruel. Helena wakes up in a box, and has a conversation with a black scorpion inside who tells her she's being tested again.
Rachel is in surgery and has the pencil removed from her eye. Yikes.
Felix and Sarah chat about the boy clones before Delphine comes to fetch them and enlighten them. Turns out the one in captivity will only talk to Sarah.
Dude clone number uno and Sarah have a chat, and he basically threatens her family. Determining Helena is missing, Sarah plans to meet up with Siobhan and take Felix with her. Delphine tries to warn her about a "Cleaner", a dude who is being sent to investigate, and asks Sarah to masquerade as Rachel since no one can find out what happened to her. Sarah tells her to piss off.
D'awww. I love it when they impersonate each other. I'm sure it'll happen soon enough, though.
Marci comes by and asks for Alison's support for running a campaign, but Alison politely shuts her down and tells her she plans to run against her. And this is one reason why Alison is my fave. She's got things to do, and she's super nice polite fake to get there. Not problematic fake, but mature "fake". You feel me? Good. Now hands off.
Siobhan heads home, has a sense of bad feelings (because she literally is so awesome she can sense changes in atmosphere or aura), and fights one of the dude clones. Sadly, she loses. Then again, they're military trained. Then again, so is she.
He wants information about Professor Duncan, and when Siobhan reveals he's dead, he asks for the research. She taunts him, and he throws a temper tantrum.
Delphine conspires with an old dude who did the surgery on Rachel's eye, which was lost. She says topside sent Ferdinand, and they have to be super vigilant.
Felix and Sarah care for Siobhan as they discuss what happened and what to do.
SIOBHAN'S ABOUT TO TELL SARAH ABOUT WHAT SHE DID TO HELENA.
Ugh. Yes, Sarah, I understand you're upset, but Siobhan didn't have a choice and she did it for you and Kira. At least Felix seems to understand. The writers better set up a heartwarming reunion later on.
Cosima chats with Kira about a dream, but Delphine comes to see her and asks about Sarah. She tries to get Delphine to talk to her openly. Delphine says she is taking over some of Rachel's duties, and since she has to love all of Cosima's sisters equally due to her promise, the only way she can do this is if she does it from her current position, so she can't do small experiments/spend time with Cosima anymore. I think she breaks up with her. Cosima says she loves Delphine while breaking down crying, and Delphine breaks down crying too when Cosima leaves.
Alison and Donnie are tallying up their expenses. She tells Donnie she has a plan to run for school trustee. Delphine calls her, presumably to impersonate Rachel. I think Alison's personality would make her most adept at masquerading as her own sister, to be honest. Their personalities are incredibly similar.
Felix defends Siobhan's actions to Sarah, who is still upset. Delphine calls, and Sarah presumes that she can help her find Helena, so she agrees to masquerade as Rachel to throw off Ferdinand the Cleaner.
Felix gets Sarah all dressed up and she and Delphine meet Ferdinand. He wants to investigate Sarah Manning too, after Sarachel revealed Helena had been kidnapped. He tells Sarachel to lead the way to Sarah. Now, I suspect that Alison wasn't called to play Rachel, but to impersonate Sarah.
As they're going down the elevator, Ferdinand notices that something's off with the back of Sarachel's hairline -- he is sharp enough to deduce it's a wig, I assume, as Delphine did warn he would notice anything amiss. And yes, I was right in assuming that Alison impersonated Sarah in a holding cell.
Ferdinand gives creepy fuckboy vibes radiating off of him, and then he proceeds to don gloves and feel up Alison, which is justifiably feeling violated. Sarachel's quick thinking allows Ferdinand to be lured out of the room; my poor child Alison is shaking. :( She didn't sign up for this. She's a pure cinnamon roll bun too good for this world, too pure.
Ferdinand takes Sarachel aside, and it's implied that she and he have some sexual relationship. Ew. He's a creep. Rachel deserves better.
Sarah has a multi-caller chat with her sisters and tells them she doesn't trust Delphine to put Helena as a priority. Thus, they have to do things themselves. She apologizes to Alison, who seems to be pulling herself together quite nicely. She then prepares for her conversation with Ferdinand, who pops on over.
Rachel comes to and has difficulty speaking or conveying thoughts orally -- to get her to speak, Delphine tortures her by pressing on the now missing left eye and putting pressure on all the bandages and stuff in order to get her to admit things and talk about Helsinki, which she knows about but apparently no one knew she knew.
In that scene, my respect for Delphine plummeted while my sympathy and pity for Rachel skyrocketed. God damn. What the hell, hero?
In what is a creepy sexual scene, Ferdinand proves to be a weirdo. I don't usually judge, but he has that vibe, so damn. He reveals that they should just Helsinki the entire thing, a repeated phrase, and Sarachel discovers that pretty much means annihilating the clones. Alison's death is already on its way.
A dude is lurking outside Alison's house, and she's about to get whacked while on the elliptical in her pajamas. Sarachel excuses herself to the bathroom to call her, but Alison's phone is in the other room in a strategic position to show both it and Alison on the machine in the distance. Why? Because Rule of Drama.
Naturally, my first thought was: HOE DON'T DO IT.
Ferdinand walks in on her making the call and so she has to hide it, plays it off, and then they start kinky fun -- with Sarachel choking the shit out of him with a belt.
Delphine walks in before he can be killed by asphyxiation, and blackmails him into doing what she wants. It's a boss as fuck moment, but after what she did with Rachel, you can't help but think she's going corrupting, growing a thick skin, or acting up because of her relationship drama with Cosima.
The man sent to kill Alison gets ready to chloroform her, as the plan is to knock out the family and set the house on fire. However, the outside lights turn on, the man flees into the garage, and Alison goes to investigate. She checks the garage briefly and leaves; the man sees a text from Ferdinand, advising him to abort Helsinki.
Delphine tells Sarah not to try anything else, and she'll help when she can. Helena is freed from her box after 48 hours by one of the clones on the order of the woman who is watching the camera. The dude clone in jail is freed by his brother, the fuckboy with the pervstache who fought with Siobhan, who also killed the black guy watching him. They greet each other and hug.
What the hell even just happened in this episode. 9 episodes left.