Welcome, my children, to Paree Paris. Here, have a flower, on me. Forget where you’re from, you’re in France, children com–

Wait, sorry, wrong bit.

Welcome, kiddies, Gothamites and Gothamates! Thanks for mistakenly clicking on another episode of Gotham. I’m back from traversing the Russian mountain ranges shirtless and slaying mountain lions and slaying bears, as well as discovering my true purpose (after a run-in with Baba Yaga and finishing my quest and journey for self discovery) was to promote Adam Clark’s YEAR series. I’m here to ramble at you about what happened on Gotham.

Sadly, no banshee Bruce. Sadface.

Bad CGI for that newspaper,though. Doesn’t this show have a budget?

The unsettling creepy doctor dude is walking somewhere. Even his voice is grating. He kills a dude through electrocution and asks the Electronics store owner (Irwin?) where his stuff is.

Captain Essen is briefing everyone on creepy dude (Gruber) and mentions how the Commissioner is gravely concerned and that he’s coming soon. Gordon shows up in his self-righteous, annoying way, and calls out the Commissioner who summons him and Bullock to a room.

Commissioner is an asshole and Gordon kinda is too, so it comes to a point where Gordon and Bullock have 24 hours to capture Creepy Dude (CD) before they’re thrown in Arkham.

Falcone has a flashback to a funeral when he was young, and then kills one of his men who I’m guessing betrayed him. He’s honing in on the mole.

He’s chatting with Fish’s mole Liza, and offers her an out so she can marry and find a husband and own a bakery and be independent. She declines, saying that she likes it there with him, and he agrees.

Nygma (Riddler) gives the identity of Gruber’s real name, some douche named Buchinsky. He then fumbles his way over to Ms. Kringle, an interaction he botches because he’s socially-awkward.

It’s adorable.

They get a hit and check out the electronics store. They find Irwin and he’s methodically writing onto the wall, what appears to be “I BETRAYED MY FRIEND” or thereabouts.

Liza is kidnapped, and it turns out to be by Fish. She’s making a move on Falcone. She calls Falcone and uses a voice distortion mechanism to let him know anonymously that Liza’s been kidnapped and he’s to do as the voice says if he wants to see her again (which he does).

Dr. Thompkins from Arkham Asylum visits Gordon, and she brings him a doll Creepy Dude gave to a pagan sorceress in Arkham to curse. It looks like Maroni.

Oswald gets a call from Maroni and says Liza’s been kidnapped and he needs him. He goes, but he’s shocked at the door by the Electrocutioner and knocked out. Maroni’s place is attacked, but everyone escapes from the silent bomb only slightly injured. Gordon provides exposition and asks to put Maroni into protective custody, but he’s laughed off. He recognizes that by “protective custody”, Gordon truly means “bait”. Oswald, who is out of his mind after being electrocuted, accidentally lets slip his business with Falcone. He doesn’t even realize he does because he’s incoherent. Maroni isn’t pleased. They go to the GCPD.

Barbara visits her parents. The butler doesn’t recognize her; it’s implied he doesn’t know about her. Barbara’s mother is frosty. She’s questioned as to whether or not she’ll stay the night when they see her bags, and when Barbara asks if it’s okay if she stays a few days, they’re very hesitant in their agreeing. My guess is they don’t like the fact their daughter isn’t strictly straight. She asks about James, and either her tone is super frosty and she has no heart, or the mother doesn’t like policemen. Barbara lies and says he’s okay, and that they’re very happy.

Maroni is entertaining cops with jokes. Oswald comes to, shits his pants at the realization he’s been out for a few hours (thus keeping Falcone waiting), and tries to leave with the excuse about his mother and her heart valves, only for Maroni to play it cool, tell him she can wait, and reveal he knows what Oswald said.

Bring me my brown pants. I, like Oswald, just had an “oh shit” moment.

Fish calls Falcone, he tells her to drop the act, and she does. She requests he leaves Gotham and take Liza with her. He agrees. Butch tells her to celebrate, but she says it’s not a time to celebrate, that he was a great man once and that someone would have taken him out in a far crueler way. She was giving him an easy out and she owed him at least that. She deduces Liza really likes him, but warns her she can never tell him the truth.

The bald, eyebrow-less Matt McGorry (Zsasz) asks Falcone permission to go to work. Falcone denies this, and says there’s no point since everyone wants him gone and he wants to live in the countryside with Liza anyways. Bald, eyebrow-less Matt McGorry’s job is to keep him and Liza safe through the coming transaction.

Nygma goes to see Ms. Kringle again. He explains the “bullet in the cupcake” riddle he left for her, saying a cupcake is sweet but a bullet is deadly, and a woman is a beautiful but dangerous thing. She blushes and is flattered, but then another detective comes in and tells him to back off and Nygma gets so cute and flustered and is like “hey now hahaha who’s bothering who hahaha” and he does the most adorkable thing by trying to cope with an awkward situation by telling a joke “what’s green and then red? frogs in a blender haha” and it’s honestly so adorable I might die. *deep breath* He gets told off by the detective and Nygma looks so wounded and hurt and says “I’m very sorry if I’ve offended you, Ms. Kringle. That was not my intention.” Before he’s out of earshot, though, he manages to hear Ms. Kringle thanking the guy and saying “He is so weird.”

Poor Nygma.

Oswald is saying he doesn’t have any business with Falcone to Maroni. Maroni lets him go (I doubt he believes him), but before he can, weird shit starts happening, magnetic things. THE ENTIRE PLACE IS BEING ELECTROCUTED BY THIS MAD GENIUS. Pretty much everyone is knocked out.

Gordon, however, was safe because he wore the rubber galoshes issued by the department that I forgot to mention because why not. He gets into a fight scene with CD’s creepy assistant, knocks him out, and before CD can activate his electro-bomb device strapped to him, Gordon throws a paper cup of water onto it, short-circuiting it.

I have never seen anything so effortless and badass.

Gordon is reinstated, and tells the commissioner, “Next man who tries to take away my shield, I’m going to make him eat it.”

Oswald finally makes it to Falcone and tells him the truth of Liza’s game. Falcone can’t accept this, backhands him, and asks for proof. Oswald can’t give any, but asks when has he ever been wrong. Fish calls to set up the appointment in an hour’s time at her place.

The exchange is going down but then Falcone demands to see her, reveals he knows the truth, calls in pretty much all his assassins, and apologizes to her for her getting mixed up in this. The music fades to almost nothing, the silence deafening, and I know some shit is about to go down.

And then he chokes her to death.

Fish tries to stop it, but Butch signals for her to stop so she doesn’t get shot or injured. He then tells Fish he can forgive all kinds of betrayals, but using his sainted mother against him is just low. He calls Oswald out so he can say his goodbyes. Oswald smirks.

Dr. Lee Thompkins comes by to talk to Gordon, and then they smooch before an officer comes to tell Gordon there’s been a shootout at Fish’s place.

What did you guys think of this episode? Let me know in the comments!

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