Okay, okay. I know she TECHNICALLY said she chose Michael last week, but on this week's Jane the Virgin, this Team Rafael devotee is hoping and praying for a telanovela miracle!
Oh, and Britney Spears is on tonight. Some people are into that, I think...
We're starting off with a flashback, as per usual. 18-month-old Jane is making some really beautiful art on the wall and apparently it's one of those moments that really sticks with her, because now we're using that moment to compare it to her choosing Michael.
She tells Xo that she definitely wants to be with Michael, but she has to tell Rafael first. Except, as we learned last week, Rafael already knows. Luisa tells Rafael that he needs to play the cancer card so that Jane will stick around and I'm hoping so hard he doesn't take that little bit of advice.
Petra's crazy ex-boyfriend is back and he has come to fulfill the debt owed to him. The price? Petra's hand in marriage. She agrees to marry him for one year for his tax shelter. OH and there's Britney.
She comes straight over to Jane and they bust out some perfect dance moves together. Is this a dream? Oh, yeah. Of course it is. In reality, Britney breezes by with her entourage leaving Jane in the dust.
Xo tells Rogelio about Jane's run-in, and we find out that Rogelio and Britney have a history. That was HIS red latex suit in "Oops, I Did It Again," and it was HIS idea that she tongue Madonna at the VMAs. They have some beef and Rogelio is thrilled to finally be able to confront her about it.
Jane pops up just in time to hear Petra tell Rafael that she's marrying Milos, and that Britney is hear for their wedding. She makes her way out and Rafael does his best deflecting to stop her from ending it finally.
The Villanueva women are meeting with the immigration lawyer, and we find that there's a problem with Alba's citizenship application. Her sponsor, Xo, has a felony conviction. Yeah, I'd say that's problematic.
We find out that Xo has a felony on her record because she once took the fall for a guy she was dating that stole a ring for her. Jane decides she's going to find this dude and get Xo's named cleared.
She spots Michael at the Marbella when she goes to pick up Mateo. She wants to run to him and tell him that he's the one, but Luisa is there and she cock blocks them so that Jane heads to Raf instead.
On her way up, she spots Petra and Jane decides to investigate why Petra is marrying Milos. We see a bit of Petra and Milos' past. They actually started out in love, so maybe this won't be such a huge disaster after all? Anyway, Jane and Raf aren't buying it and they decide to visit her mother.
Meanwhile, Rogelio and Britney Spears actually have an amazing exchange. Her Britney Bots behind her are amazing and Rogelio is able to crack her manufactured facade and get a rise out of her. It really was enjoyable, I'll give her that.
Oh snap. Brit has issued Rogelio a restraining order! Then we get a look at the video that started it all, and I won't lie. She seemed pretty devious to me. She's definitely guilty.
Xo finally tracks down Zedd who is a homeless surfer. Except his name isn't Zedd anymore, it's Jon Snow now. Because he watches the wall. His wall. Xo is trying to talk him into taking the rap for what happened, and he's not all about it. Jane tries to take over the situation, but Jon Snow knows nothing, as it were.
Jane hits up Michael for help, and his new partner overhears. She's there for the sole purpose of figuring out what Michael knows about Nadine and Sin Rostro, after all. And all of a sudden, I see a tiny glimmer of hope. I mean, she can't BE with Michael... if Michael is in jail.
I KNOW. I already know I'm a terrible person. I need no reminders from you, thank you very much!
Magda refused to see Rafael, but she said she would speak to Jane. She wants Jane and Alba to help at her parole hearing. But Jane has no intention of helping her, and she breaks the news that Petra is marrying Milos. Magda decides this is not a very good idea at all, and gives Jane some advice on how to stop it.
Jane brings a pen drive filled with Milos' files and that, because he's an internet con artist, she can download his files and turn the tables.
Jane goes to tell Rafael the good news, and he gives her an adorable book of photographs of Mateo. She decides to break the news then and he decides that he will not allow it. He tells her Michael is shady and has it out for him... but that she already knows all this. Then he asks her to go. UGH.
Jane hustles back home to collect Xo and Alba for the appointment with the State Attorney to find that Xo is eating the chocolate bar that Jane got from Jon Snow. Which is 70% coco... and 30% marijuana. The other half of which Alba consumed. Oy vey. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are about to be entertained; but mother of God I cannot truly fathom what level of awkwardness is actually about to occur.
Xo and Alba are clearly stoned as fuck. It is magical. Jane tries to sober them up with coffee, and instead it exacerbates the effects. They are perfectly hilarious. Jane decides that they are not State-Attorney-ready, however, and cancels the meeting.
Rogelio comes over to babysit so that Jane can go figure out why Petra is actually marrying Milos. We discover that Milos is bugging Petra, so she tells Jane that she is definitely just marrying Milos for his money to try and shake her off the scent.
Jane spots a flyer with Rogelio's face plastered on it with warnings not to let him on the premises. Jane decides to confront Britney on behalf of her dad. Jane discovers that Rogelio sold Britney out to the paparazzi the last time they were together, and they have a cute little exchange and are besties again.
Michael finds out that he has been put on desk duty. When he asks why this is happening, he is told that it's because new information came in proving that he had let Nadine go. Michael automatically assumes Rafael was the one that turned him in and storms off to find him.
Rafael swears that it wasn't him, but Michael is in no way listening. Rafael is shocked to find out that he let Nadine go, but more so that Jane KNEW about it, considering these people took Mateo. Michael does not buy Raf's ignorance and throws a punch. He shoves him into a glass table and shards fly everywhere. Jane is begging for them to stop and when they finally do, Mateo is screaming and when Jane checks on him, we see blood all over his tiny little arm.
Jane gets home and finds Xo and Abuela on the porch of tears. We discover why that the day Jane colored on the wall WAS an important day. It was the anniversary of Grandpa Mateo's death. That's why Alba was grieving, also the day that Xo got engaged to Jon Snow (formerly Zedd). They don't call this the porch of tears for nothing. Sobbing ensues.
We also find out that Rafael was NOT the one that ratted Michael out. His name was Eric Wu. But because Michael is who he is, he goes immediately to Jane to tell her. His anger is something she cannot reconcile herself with, it got Mateo hurt after all, and she breaks it off for good. He is heart broken.
But then Mateo smiles at Jane, Xo and Alba as she is telling them everything and they realize that all is well.
New partner saw Michael snooping in the chief's office and definitely narks on him. So Michael is just all the way fired now.
Petra finds out Milos actually married her to get spousal immunity. Because the wedding he forced her into actually gave him the perfect opportunity to fly in his thousands of hand grenades... with a buyer lined up already, of course.
Shew! That was an action-packed episode. Okay so I know I kind of, maybe, a little bit, all the way wished for Michael's demise. And I can't apologize for being thrilled that he and Jane won't end up together... but even I felt for him. Especially when he got into his car, already downtrodden, to find Nadine in his backseat with a gun to his head.
The writing on this show is superb. It truly is one of a kind, and is also enhanced a millionfold by the execution of the extraordinary talent bringing it to life.
I kind of wish there had bit just a bit more Britney, though.
Until next week, lovers of Jane!