Okay, I've typed several different intros to this recap for "Chapter Forty-Six" and erased them all because they jumped from dream world to real world to the past to present day in, like, a minute and a half. So I'm just going to start off by saying...
It's present day, and Michael is getting ready to leave the hospital, meaning Jane is jotting down notes for stretches and obviously feeling very overwhelmed at the prospect at caring for Michael by herself. Except she won't be by herself, because she, Michael and Mateo are staying with Xo and Abuela for the first few weeks (because Alba is a home healthcare caregiver -- who knew!?), which, obviously, is exactly what these sexless newlyweds want.
*insert sarcasm font*
*why hasn't anyone invented that yet?*
The news gets even worse when the nurse tells them, in no uncertain terms, that there is to be NO SEX for at least six weeks -- Michael still recovering from being shot in the heart and all. Ouch.
Jane runs to the pharmacy, leaving Michael alone with Rogelio in the hospital, and his utter lack of perspective is something Michael deals with so well. He really is so very patient and saintlike (still #TeamRaf, though).
Jane goes back into the Villanueva house for the first time since they remodeled after the flood, and Abuela has some ... interesting taste (ahem, cherry wallpaper), but she also finds a bill for Xo's trip to the doctor, in which she was prescribed medication to induce an early abortion. Something that would very possibly kill Alba.
Anezka is totally going to crack and blow her cover. I see the fissures already.
Jane and Rafael need to work out a lot of their co-parenting issues, and they need to do it quickly.
Jane calls Michael to see if he's ready, and he asks for another thirty minutes to go over case stuff with his new boss, which throws Jane into a panic due to the constant nightmares she's experiencing in which she finds Michael shot and bleeding in the Marbella hallway over and over.
When she tells him she doesn't want him to go back to work, he tells her that she married a cop, and she knew that, and she needs to accept it.
Michael and Jane have kissed and made up, and he even tells her that he would quit if she really wants him to. She tells him that she can't let him do that, but they decide to wait for the six week recovery time and see where they are then.
Jane decides routine is the best way to get back on track and puts all her focus on that.
Xo is convinced that Alba knows about the abortion, and she is hashing it all out with Jane and Michael ... in Michael's bed. All together. Weird doesn't really begin to describe it.
Anezka is trying to hack into Raf's computer when Vests comes in and catches her. He threatens to tell Rafael, but she tries her hand at the art of seduction before he can. It works.
Rogelio is in the middle of a love scene when he gets the call that Hawaii Five-0 wants him to audition, which outrages him. They should just offer him the part, you know?
Rafael and Jane are looking into Mateo's preschool, and Raf tells her that, now that he's not in love with her anymore, he's not afraid to piss her off and fight back when the need calls for it -- like now because Raf doesn't want to send Mateo to a Catholic preschool.
Can't blame ya there, you sexy mofo.
Jane is stressing out over preschool waiting lists when Abuela asks Xo why she's been acting weird. Jane tells Xo to just tell her what's going on, and Abuela overhears her, meaning Xo really has no choice but to tell her. Alba's heart breaks before our eyes.
Jane and Michael are going over the day's schedule, and she is being very mom-like, which Michael picks up on and actually calls her "mom" right as Raf walks in. Jane is clearly wigged out, and Raf knows it.
That's why, in the car on the way to the new preschool interview, Raf is poking fun at Jane and the fact that she's a married virgin and how utterly ridiculous it is, and they're being friendly, and it feels right. Then Jane, actually asks Rafael what cured him of his undying love for her. Yeah, she totally asked.
He tells her that he just "had to get over it," but his 'diagnosis' tells us that it was watching her walk down the aisle and marry another guy.
Yep, that'll do it.
They head to the new preschool, and Jane is instantly uncomfortable with the environment. Raf eases her mind, though, and tells her that 20% of the families are there on a need-based scholarship.
A few minutes later, however, the uppity mom who asked if it was okay to send the nanny for their required volunteer hours tells Jane that Mateo bit her son. Jane gets instantly defensive and tells her that Mateo would never do anything like that. Uppity lady fights back and tells Jane that she knows where Mateo gets his personality from, and Jane shoots back with a very resounding, "bite me!"
Raf is convinced that Jane sabotaged the visit, but Jane just tells him that she was defending their son. Just then, Mateo clamps his chompers down on Jane's fingers. She apologizes to Raf instantly.
Xo and Alba are still fighting when Jane gets home. She begs them to stop fighting, and Xo asks Alba if she can't just accept her choice and move on -- but Alba tells her that, no, she can't. Xo rushes out to stay at Rogelio's.
Jane goes to see Michael, who has turned their bedroom into a beach scene since they couldn't go on their honeymoon. He planned a romantic night, but, then, he told her that he thought they should research why kids bite instead. The perfect words for someone like Jane.
She finds that it's because kids Mateo's age don't know how to express their fears and frustrations, so they lash out the only way they know how. Jane realizes that that's how she's been acting, too, because she is so uncertain. She needs to know Michael's final decision about going back to work. It's the only way she'll feel settled.
She tells him that, if he's going back, she needs to know it's because he loves his job, and he isn't scared, so she can just move on. He tells her just that, and she breaks down. He promises her they'll get through it together and also comments on their lack of marital consummation. You're right, Michael, it does feel like a cosmic joke.
Jane and Rafael are at the hippy-dippy preschool when Jane gets an email from the school that Rafael liked telling her she fixed it, but Raf tells her he doesn't like that school anymore. Raf got a call yesterday asking for a donation after the biting incident and decided they were awful. Jane immediately gets angry because Raf didn't tell her and would just let her go on thinking she ruined this great opportunity for Mateo. The teacher, instead of kicking them out for fighting, help them to get under their problems.
They really are so freaking cute together, I hate that she's not with him. A lot.
She gets home, and Mateo goes in to say hello to Michael when Jane hears him cry out in pain. The hippy teacher told Jane that, when Mateo bites, he needs to see her comfort the victim and to not give him any attention. When she's comforting Michael, he suddenly bursts into tears and tells Jane it's because it finally hit him that he almost died.
Jane talks him off the ledge, though, because that's what good wives do.
Raf comes to check up on Petra (Anezka) to figure out why she has been acting so strangely. Unfortunately for Anezka, she's got Raf's laptop open on the couch. She diverts him by directing him to the bedroom -- where Vests lies naked -- to throw him off. In that moment, she shoves the laptop under the cushion before Raf sees her with it.
Rogelio doesn't get the part on Hawaii Five-0 but has an epiphany on set and decides that, rather than change himself, he'll bring telenovelas to American television instead! Brilliant plan, Ro.
Jane texts Xo and tells her to come home, and, when she does, she finds Alba tearing the wallpaper off the walls, and she tells Xo that she's ready to move on from the abortion, too. Then, they all bond tearing that hideous shit down together.
The next scene finds Jane and Michael at a doctor appointment. The doc tells them that he can't clear Michael for work yet but that he can resume all other normal activities.
This immediately catches their ear, and they ask if all normal activities includes sex. Doc says yes, and off they run to have some.
Annnnnnnd, to be continued.
They're going to leave us with THAT?!
That's just evil, honestly.
Until next week -- this was "Chapter Forty-Six"!