Here we go! Quick, quick, quick recap before we dive in to the Season 3 premiere of Jane the Virgin: Jane and Michael did get married (UGH), but then Michael got immediately shot by his two-timing partner, who was Sin Rostro in disguise the whole time. Anezka has taken over as Petra while Petra festers in a coma that causes paralyses while her mind is fully functioning.

HOLY CRAP.

Okay, let’s see where they take us now…

Jane’s pre-teen self found herself having a serious meltdown when a romance novelist she admired didn’t give her characters a happy ending. Jane takes issue with this because romance novel characters GET A HAPPY ENDING. This, of course, leads us into Jane finding Michael bleeding out on the floor.

Jane, Alba, Xo and Rogelio are in the hospital waiting room, hoping for any bit of news they can get about Michael, but they’re being tortured just like every other impatient family in a hospital waiting room ever was.

Poor Jane.

I’m certainly not on #TeamMichael, but no one deserves to be shot or see their husband shot on their wedding night.

We flash back to the moment after Jane’s 21st birthday, when she and Michael first started dating. We were going to get some insight into their first meeting, when a mysterious stranger named Sam shows up to the door. He comes bearing a gift, and I must say, Sam is smoking hot.

The gift he gives Jane is a book, and he spoils the ending for her because he knows that’s how she rolls (she likes to know what’s coming). They’re going to a book reading together, which is honestly the perfect date to take someone like Jane on. She forgot she already had a date with the “cop,” though. Whoops.

A doctor comes out to tell Jane that Michael is in critical condition and has a lot of bleeding in his chest. When Jane asks if he’s going to make it, the doctor tells her she simply doesn’t know and hands Jane Michael’s wedding ring.

Michael’s mother shows up and takes over the entire operation, even though Jane was prepared to ask all the questions on her list.

We flash back again to the day after Jane’s 21st birthday, and she’s trying to decide what to do about Michael and Sam. Jane decides to tell Michael that she’s sick and plan a date for a different night so she can go out with Sam — a harmless white lie, right? Except when she tells Michael that she’s got a head cold, he brings her some soup to make her feel better, and catches Jane cruising away with the handsome scholar.

Michael decides to pull Sam over and confront Jane. He gives her the soup and makes her feel like an idiot and then drives away.

We’re back in real-time now, and we see the sexiest of them all, Rafael with Mateo. Somehow I forgot that Raf and Anezka slept together, but they did. That happened. Anezka is speaking to their awful mother and their plan continues to unfold.

Just kidding, no one holds a candle to the awful that is Michael’s mother. The worst, truly.

Jane and company are still being tortured in the waiting room when Michael’s mom rears her ugly head once again. Xo starts to put Mrs. Cordero in her place, but Jane tells Xo that this is just how Michael’s mom copes and that Xo needs to take a walk and cool down because she’s making it worse.

Oh, we’re in the past again. Jane is hashing out her awkward date with Sam with Xo when she admits that she can’t stop thinking about Michael. She goes to see him at the office and comes clean and brings him some food. She tells him about Sam, and it freaks him out, though, and he bolts. It started out promising enough, but at this point, Jane figured she would never see Michael again.

Obviously, since they got married the night before, this was not the case.

Jane finds a waiting room that does not contain a gaggle of her family members and sobs her broken heart out without the burden of comforting hands and smothering worry.

Michael is in the same hospital as Petra, and she knows that this is her only chance to alert someone to her, ahem, situation. Her rapidly moving eyes (the only part of her body she currently controls) are clearly devising a plan.

Rogelio made a deal with two little twerps to urinate for them so that they could pass a drug test — in exchange, they promised not to post a picture of him to Twitter. Last year, when Mateo went missing, he retweeted the Amber Alert, and it turned the entire thing into a circus. He didn’t want to do that to Jane again. Oh, Xo also tells him she’s pregnant. With Esteban’s child. Oy, with the poodles already.

Michael Desmond/The CW

We’re back in the hospital, and the doctor has good and bad news: Michael is stable, but the bullet could reach his spine without surgery, paralyzing him from the waist down. Michael’s mother is adamantly against the surgery, thinking it’s better for him to be alive and paralyzed than dead. Jane gets the last word, though, as his wife. Michael’s mom decides to call Michael’s dad, who she is sure will agree with her.

Michael shows up at Jane’s door (in the past), and he apologizes for their last interaction. He talks about being a fighter, as they share their first sober kiss, which is why Jane decides to tell them to go ahead with the surgery.

When Jane tells Michael’s mom, she discovers that his dad agreed with her, not his wife.

Jane is given the chance to see Michael before his surgery. She talks to him and tells him that their story is not over. She talks about their future kids and all their plans and how their life is going to go and — there go my first tears. It’s honestly a miracle it took this long: 45 minutes, a definite record.

Rafael is trying to figure out what is happening with Petra — she’s acting so strangely — but Anezka plays off the sick sister card and everyone moves on without further ado, allowing her to go and visit her ailing sister.

Petra is just beginning to get some control back in her fingers when Anezka walks into her hospital room. The officer who escorted her there is still in the doorway, and Anezka looks like she really may just stab her sister with the next dose of paralytic while he watches before Petra outs her, but he gets a message about Michael being okay, and it’s just the distraction she needs to plunge the syringe into her sister’s arm.

Michael is out of surgery, is showing movement in his legs and does NOT have amnesia, despite the cruel joke he played on his wife saying he did. Not cool, dude.

Jane and Michael are talking and being cute when a cop comes in and asks Michael if he remembers anything from the shooting. Michael tells her that, yes, he does know who it was: his partner, Old Susanna.

Because, as the narrator said, this isn’t a romance novel; it’s a telenovela.

Rafael tells Petra (Anezka) that he doesn’t want to be with her romantically, and that puts Anezka on the side of her mother, ready and willing to do the “Rafael part of the plan.”

Powdered sugar flakes in the hallway where Michael was shot lead authorities and Rafael to Sin Rostro … who is in a submarine with Louisa. Yes, you read that right — a submarine, under the ocean, surrounded by coral reef and marine life.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Well, I can’t; the creators of Jane the Virgin sure seem to be perfectly up to the task.

Stick with me; I’ll be recapping Jane the Virgin all season long!