Media Courtesy of cultofmac.com
“Please, just call me Jupe!”
Not only is this my favorite line in this astonishing mess but also what I assume will be the title song when this is turned into a Broadway musical. When a major studio takes an expensive endeavor like this off the scedule for a holiday opening and moves it to February, it’s usually not a release but a disposal of waste. True here.
It seems that Mila Kunis is a genetic replicant of one of the great queens of the universe and has no idea while she’s cleaning toilets with her mom in full make-up for a living. Her name is Jupiter Jones, which sounds like a kick-ass heroine in a 70’s black-exploitation film–but no. Suddenly Channing Tatum shows up, shirtless, with pointy ears and jet-packed Converse shoes to whisk her to another galaxy to rebalance the world. Or something.
The whole movie looks like they gave the Wachowski’s (The Matrix
) a hundred-million dollars and said they could make the film ONLY if they used old screen-savers from the MYST video game calendar for the backgrounds. There is no context or explanation for…anything. Like, why do some characters have possum faces and talk with British accents while others look like catalogue models at a rave?
Kunis and Tatum are two of my favorite contemporary celebrities. But they both look like they know this is gonna be bad while they’re doing it. Tatum, (looking like a hunky, angy Peter Pan) especially delivers every sentence like he’s a hostage being forced to read a document at gun-point. He tries to use a more “proper” stage syntax when he speaks and it’s like listening to Jodie Foster do European accents. Not good.
Eventually, Mila is taken to an inter-galactic vessel in the sky where she’s made to wear many old Miss America evening gowns and holiday center-pieces on her head while she awaits a forced marriage to her son. Yup. By now people should know that Ms Kunis should not be in period pieces or play classic royalty–It’s silly. She ends up having to face off with an evil Eddie Redmayne who may have the distinction of appearing in both the best and the worst films of his career in a single year.
It’s a good thing the academy members have already sent in their ballots for The Theory of Everything
This isn’t just bad, it’s curiously and expensively bad.
Don’t even think about it.
Loudinni specializes in movie reviews that can, usually, be read in under a minute.
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