WARNING: Traditionally religious people may be offended.(At least I hope so.) This moving picture features truly biblical Christmas balls. And they’re both between Kirk Cameron’s legs, because it indeed took huge balls to present the hurricane of hubris that is Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. You have no idea how much I wish I owned a piece of this film, because for the next fifty years literally millions of young people will get high and go to midnight mockings of this thing that might even rival Rocky Horror for cult status. They just haven’t found it yet. The “movie” starts by telling us it’s a CamFam production. I interpret this to mean that it was actually shot using Cameron’s family video camera because that’s exactly what it looks like. It begins with a very lengthy monologue where Kirk sits in a matching couch and tries to tell us how much he loves Christmas. I mean LOVES it! He begins a long laundry list of the things (especially hot chocolate in a mug that also matches the couch, as well as his sweater, AND the wrapping paper) that get him off about Christmas. This is the first time we witness Kirk’s “crazy eyes” for the holiday which almost roll back into his head as he emphasizes his passion for ALL things Christmas. This phenomenon happens several times throughout. But it’s not enough for Kirk to love Christmas.... EVERYBODY HAS TO--OR ELSE. To keep everyone in the spirit, he continuously addresses his family and guests like he’s selling timeshares on TV. Anything less than full-frontal passion is considered a slap to the baby Jesus’ face and will not be tolerated in his home or at his sister’s holiday gathering, which serves as the backdrop for our “story”. You see, Kirk’s sister (a tiny little thing that looks like a plump Diana Scarwid with thirsty hair) is quietly upset in the kitchen that her husband “Christian” is rebuking the entire Christmas tradition and ruining it for everyone. Not by the look of Kirk’s way-too-happy family, who are practically combusting with their holiday gaiety, but ok. Kirk will have none of this and thus goes out to witness his brother-in-law, who is hiding in his car in the garage. C’mon Kirk!!! You have to know that the brother-goes-out-to-be-alone-with-his-brother-in-law-in-the-car-during-a-holiday-visit-thing is a CLASSIC template for gay porn. In fact, there’s this one--oh never mind. Now it may be my imagination but…”Christian” is the ONLY member of the ensemble that looks remotely Jewish. Even the folks in Nazareth look Mormon. And when he numerates all the things that piss him off about Christmas, he exclaims, “Look at the size of that HAM” and “Think of all the money being wasted!” Subliminal? Kirk spends THE NEXT HOUR indefatigably convincing him (and us) that Americans celebrate Christmas precisely as God intended. Christmas Trees? God wants us to hang ornaments on trees because we hung his son on one. Not kidding. Santa? St Nick got his cred by kicking someone’s ass in a bar before making toys for kids--beautifully shot by Kirk in an historic flashback. Gift packages? Meant to remind us of the buildings and homes of Jerusalem. Cameron gets his way with the brother-in-law, of course, as he explains, “Ya see? YOU’RE the problem.” That brings Christian back into the house for the scene that most closely resembles the impact of pornography: KIRK’S EXTREMELY WHITE (except for one black man who snaps in the air and says “Lordy” like Pearl Bailey) FRIENDS AND FAMILY HIP-HOP DANCING IN FRONT OF A CHRISTMAS TREE FOR TEN MINUTES! This is gonna be the best part when kids start acting it out at midnight showings. I’m telling the truth: If you could film Eminem watching this on a computer it would be just like watching the reaction shots of “Two Girls-One Cup”. You must see this. Bite me Kirk but bless your sincere arrogance for creating one of my favorite things of all time. There are even outtakes over the credits. Run, don’t walk. (Loudinni specializes in reviews you can read in under a minute--usually.)
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