Susan Booth Staff Writer
In this new episode of Dexter, our favorite serial killer decided that it was time for him to pick up his life with Harrison in Miami and move over to Argentina with Hannah! I better not be the only fucking person sitting here saying WTF?! He plans to give his two weeks notice and leave! But, before all of that crazy ass nonsense takes place, he intends to risk it all by killing the REAL Brain Surgeon, who was FINALLY revealed in this episode! Although, the reveal process for the Brain Surgeon has gotten a tad old, at least that was the case UNTIL tonight! With that in mind, here are 11 things we learned in this episode:
1.) Dexter & Hannah Declare Their Love: Hannah & Dexter sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-I-n-g! I’m sorry, but just because two serial killers can’t stop screwing each other does not mean they actually love each other! Sadly, for us female fans of Dexter, his ass remained covered this time. Funny thing is, the only thought going through my head at this moment is whether or not Dexter thought to take off his dark green whoopie-time socks. Dexter tells Hannah he loves her and she says it right back. I’m not sure how I feel about whether or not this couple is the real deal, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see on that one.
2.) Bad Girl, Bad Girl, Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You: A Deputy U.S Marshall has shown up in Miami after he receives a tip about Hannah being back in town. Fans of the former FX series The Shield can be heard screaming “Lem” from all over, even thought it would be A LOT better if it were Rayland Givens, because that son of a bitch would see straight through Dexter in a second and would end the series with some kind of quick draw contest between the two! Depending on who you ask, Lem is not too bad. He even goes as far as to interrogate little Harrison about a drawing he did.
3.) What Will Become Of Harrison?: I enjoy seeing the cute little boy on screen, but I can’t help but wonder why he keeps popping up a lot lately. It’s cute watching Harrison do everything from hide the pieces of a remote control he broke, to watching RastaMouse, to getting his teddy from the trash. Maybe this whole Harrison plot will pan out, only time will tell.
4.) Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Off To Argentina Dexter Will Go: Once again, I will say WHAT THE FUCK?! Dexter is going to quit his job, grab Harrison and run off to Argentina with Hannah. I do NOT support this plan AT ALL! Dexter is a bad father for wanting to uproot his son to his girlfriend’s dream travel destination. They could pick a much better place to relocate to. With the cops closing in, it’s not the greatest idea to run off with another serial killer. Dexter only decided to take this trip no more than 60 seconds AFTER he says he loves her. Seriously, Dexter wants Hannah to make Harrison breakfast in the morning, the same woman who drugged him and left him on the side of the road! I promise, this is the second to last time I will bring that up, I swear! If you want to get the hell out of Miami that is fine by me, but there are lots of places that are better than Argentina. Did Harrison have to say he wants Hannah to be his mom? Why doesn’t he just wish for RastMouse to come to life and have every meal be lucky charms?! The fact is, Dexter isn’t going to have a happy ending, at least not the ending he would like.
5.) Masuka’s Daughter Does Nothing: She stands in his office while he introduces her to Debra. That pretty much covers it, unless you count the fact that her top stayed on the whole time.
6.) Deb Gets Her Job Back: Batista gives Deb her job back, and she of course is unsure as to whether or not she wants to go back to being a cop, given all that has happened. He tells her to keep it just in case.
7.) Hannah Is Rich: A friend of Hannah’s is kind enough to hide the half a million dollars in her closet and keeps the kids away from it by telling them that there are snakes in the closet. I couldn’t help but ask, why in hell would you get ready to put your ass on a plane last week, leaving half a million bucks in cash behind?! Oh wait, why the fuck am I trying to find logic in a show that no longer has any? Dexter and Hannah go get the money and Dexter pretends to be a dating her friend so the Deputy Marshall wouldn’t catch on.
8.) Quinn Wants Deb: Let me start by saying, tell me something I don’t know! Quinn goes on about how nice it is to be working with her again and she talks about how much better it is than having to run background checks for Elway. One thing leads to another and Quinn has his tongue down Deb’s throat before we can say “Awww”. Deb proves that she’s still got it as a cop and figures out in no time at all that Cassie’s boyfriend Oliver Saxxon is the one who killed her.
9.) Hannah Cooks & Cleans: In a ruse to keep the Deputy Marshall from finding out that Hannah is in fact in town, Dexter convinces Deb to let Hannah stay at her beach house for a few days. Meanwhile, Deb is stuck with Elway (who’s gotten more boring and annoying every time he comes on screen) at the office, where he gives her shit and basically tells her to get the fuck out. Deb comes home to find that Hannah cleaned and cooked, and Deb is in no hurry to eat anything Hannah has touched (flashing back to being drugged twice and all that). Deb finally eats after Hannah starts to eat, proving that it wasn’t poisoned.
10.) The Brain Surgeon is REVEALED, AGAIN?: In the midst of creepy boy Zach being killed, he took the time to grab a piece of the real Brain Surgeon’s hair and ran DNA on it, only to discover that the killer is related to Vogel! Vogel explains to Dexter that she no longer has a family anymore, since her oldest son Daniel killed her youngest son, she and her husband covered it up and sent him off to a loony bin. Vogel claims that he died in a fire and his body was burned so bad you couldn’t recognize him. Anyways, Daniel steals the ID of a dead guy and basically took his place. Dexter grabs a photo of Daniel when he was younger, he uses an aging software to figure out how he looks now. Turns out Deb was on the right track, as it is Oliver who killed Cassie and is Vogel’s son. He keeps killing all these people around him and sending those awful gifts as a way to get his mommy to notice. Nicely done, crazy man!
11.) Dexter Wants The Brain Surgeon Dead: I can completely see why he would want him dead. Oliver fits the code perfectly. After some deliberation, Vogel tells Dexter that he can’t kill her son because she doesn’t want him to. Now, this is where I take the chance to scream “I FUCKING KNEW THIS BITCH COULDN”T BE TRUSTED!!!!” Seriously, after going over many of my recaps, it’s made quite clear that I don’t trust this skanky bitch! Oliver monitors Vogel’s online journal as Dexter sets up a trap to capture Oliver and get him on his table. Dexter heads to the diner to meet Oliver, drugging Vogel in the process. Oliver sits in the diner playing the same fucking song on repeat like a crazy One Direction fan. Something about this whole situation sticks to your throat like you just tried swallowing a dry pizza box. Dexter hides in plain sight like a dumbass and Oliver slips right past him. Dexter goes back to Vogel’s, who’s pissed at what he did to her. She continues to say that she doesn’t want Dexter to kill Daniel, and just as he’s about to let it go, we find out that Vogel is a dirty lying whore who’s hiding her son in the other room and they have breakfast together. I’d say this reunion was a happy one, but for me, it was enough to make me yell EVERY curse word I know at my T.V and even some new ones I made up myself.
Here’s what I think: I know that I was at least half right in my prediction that Vogel was behind this whole thing, go me! Why is Dexter so hell bent on risking everything by insisting on killing the Brain Surgeon before he skips town for good? Dexter basically killed Zach not once but twice! The whole Zach storyline with his personality now makes sense in light of everything that’s happened. It’s almost as if the writers needed a motive to keep him from dropping everything and leaving in order to make Zach more of a likeable character before his death. It would have been better and more meaningful if the Brain Surgeon had actually killed someone important in the series. That would have given the story more juice that it so desperately needs.
Also, if Oliver was such a needy little prick, then why did he have to go through all that fucking trouble just to get her attention? Why did he send that crazy foot fetish creep Yates after her? It’s basically the same reason we were given in regards to Hannah drugging Dexter and leaving him on the side of the fucking road. That’s the last time I will mention that incident. You can’t have a bunch of dramatic shit like that happen and then run around insisting that it was done all because mommy didn’t love you enough. Perhaps Oliver and Vogel’s true intentions will be explained next Sunday. If you ask me, I think they both have it in for Dexter and have every intention of trying to get rid of him, Hannah, Deb and Harrison for good.
One more thing: I’ve never seen some much poisoning in one episode before, with everyone getting knocked out all the time. It’s almost as if Dexter and Hannah are in one of those 1970’s shows when the hero would just casually run around bludgeoning bad guys to render them unconscious before the viewers become wise enough to figure out that by doing that it would cause something like death! As for Elway, Jaime and Masuka’s storylines, all I can ask the writers is “Why the fuck did you put us fans through this bullshit?!” It served absolutely NO purpose and was a complete waste of time.