If you haven’t noticed, I love New Girl. I also love Teen Wolf. So when I get to have two of these elements in one adorkable half hour I’m a really happy girl. This week we got to go back in time as the gang tried to decide whose first time was the worst. This was brought on by Schmidt’s budding relationship with Elizabeth (his old college girlfriend). He’s all amped up and bringing the ArchDuke to the party. Insecure much, Schmidt? But I digress…
Jess’s former flame Teddy is in town and wants to meet up. Teddy took her flower all those years ago. Convinced her tale is the worst Jess regales the gang about her first time. It was prom night (how cliché). Poor girl tried to get it on to some Lisa Loeb but her prom date just couldn’t man up and rip her dress off (her mom sewed her in it really was the only way to get it off).
While wallowing in self-pity in the Halloween she meets a beef cake (Dylan O’Brien) with a guitar in the hall. They sing some Lisa Loeb and almost share a kiss before being interrupted by her dorky date. The sexy guitar stud goes away.
We then find that CeCe lost her V-Card on that same prom night. Her story is a bit more exciting. Mick Jagger took CeCe’s flower. How convenient that he ended up on tour in Portland the same weekend they had prom. CeCe is officially out of the running.
But here comes Schmidt. Now you know this ought to be good. Poor overweight Schmidt about to embark on his first ever sexual conquest. Due to his over-eagerness he bought enough lube to last 10 years. He makes a deal with Nick to have the room for the night, which is fine because Nick had a bag of mushrooms and a DMB concert to attend.
Unfortunately Nick was unable to get to the concert because the troll at the end of his bed was keeping there as well as his arm was magnet and the walls were metal. Someone dipped into the shrooms a bit early. The happy couple comes home and put on some Boys II Men to set the mood for some love making. Over doing it with the lube a 300 pound Schmidt slips from the top bunk and lands on Nick as he’s trying to escape. The next 30 seconds are what I imagine most KY wrestling matches look like.
Still I don’t think Schmidt’s story can top poor Winston’s. Oh so many years ago, when the boys were just wee teens, Nick’s dad took them to NYC on a business trip. While there Nick’s dad also decided it would be a great idea to get the boys some prostitutes. While Nick declined Octopussy’s invitation, Winston had the best 10 seconds of his life with Mysteria. The saddest part is the poor guy had been in denial that she was a lady of the night.
But back to poor Jess. Sexy guitar boy returned a few years later and it was fate. Jess would finally lose her flower! Since he was living out of his car and she was living on her friend’s couch they resorted to getting it in on the park. More specifically the play castle.
Unfortunately sexy guitar boy is on a few to many antidepressants and can’t get it up. They become wedged in the castle. Luckily they get help from some innocent children and the fire depart comes to the rescue. The story does end happily. Jess gets her V-card swiped but a strapping fireman. Now Teddy the Fireman is back and wants to rekindle the flame.
But wait.. What about Nick? Well his story is a bit more normal. In the woods, awkward and sweet. In a crazy act of passion Nick stops the elevator and picks Jess up and THEY DO IT! Yes that’s right they finally get their freak on! I’ve never been so happy/excited/elated in my life. We’re left in their post-coitus awkward love haze. Lord only knows where this is going to go now!