Emma strolls into the mine as the dwarves are busting up pixie dust and takes Happy’s ax. Deal with it, yo.

The Hero Crew is still trying to figure out  how to break Merlin out of his tree fortress. They find that they need a magical mushroom to speak to Merlin (talk about a drug-sounding trip, geez) so Charming and Arthur take off on a trip to find it.

In Storybrooke, The Crew tries to piece the last 6 weeks together, seeing the book with the mushroom reference in it. The Dwarves are mad they’re ignored (again), and feels like uprising is coming. I’m sure Dark Swan would love an army of angry dudes with sharp axes.

Charming and Snow have parental breakdown about their daughter being the most evil thing ever and she reassures him that he’s doing the right thing for Emma. Arthur strolls in to the police station; a reliquary with all of Camelot’s magical finds has been robbed, including a magic bean that can return them to Camelot.

Emma tries to take Happy’s ax to bust up the stone that the sword is in and fails. Illusionary Rumpz explains that she needs a hero to pull the sword out, and both she and her imaginary companion know who it is

In Camelot, Regina is frustrated and Robin comforts her. She and Zelena face off over the child, as Regina goes all Evil Queen on her ass: there is no escape back to Oz. The baby is safe and will be loved and cared for, but Zelena will get the shaft.

The largest chair at the fabled Round Table is called the Siege Perilous. It’s the chair for the people destined to kick ass at quests and have the highest honor of Arthur’s trust. It was supposed to have Lancelot’s butt in the seat, but with his romantic betrayal and subsequent death, that didn’t work out too well. Arthur’s servant delivers the reliquary of magical items the knights have recovered. Arthur shows Charming the Unquenchable Flame, a torch that never goes out… In real world, the Unquenchable Flame is missing.

Robin and Hook play with a phone in Granny’s, with a sonogram on it. Robin is happy there’s a kid coming into his life but doesn’t want Regina to know. Hook mentions a mystery door in Emma’s house and his frustration of her being all shifty-eyed now. He gets a bag delivered to him with a note on it: meet Emma on his ship.

Emma apologizes for being untrustworthy and is clearly not herself, no matter how hard she tries. making Hook even more suspicious. Will he give into the illusion? “You know you can trust me”. No, Hooky, my darling, you cannot trust her. Or that white hair spray she’s got on her noggin.

Charming and Arthur are in the dark woods on their noble shroom quest. Arthur tells Charming that he was born a peasant too, they bond over their rises to the top. They talk about their wives being badasses, which we all know to be true. The biggest thing I can give this show is how the women 1) don’t take shit, 2) kick serious tush and 3) really don’t need a man to save them. They reach a bog with a scary ass bridge leading to the mushroom that happens to be perched on some magically-lit rock. Think Harry Potter finding the necklace Horcrux in the middle of death lake. Charming goes across the bridge, because logic be damned.

In Storybrooke, the Gold rose in the jar is fading. Charming uses a non-magical cup to trick the displaced people of Camelot into confessing who the thief is, and Arthur’s freakin’ assistant makes a run for it. Arthur and Charming take off after him on the truck while the guy is on horseback. Charming jousts the guy off the horse with a 2×4 and I nearly pee myself laughing. That piece of wood should have knocked the guy into Canada.

In the swamp, Charming gets the shroom and heads back across the scary bridge. In the water, dead soldiers’ uniforms come to life and fight him on the bridge. Imagine Frodo falling face first into the bog in Return Of The King, with all the dead Elves pulling his Hobbity butt down into the murk. After some well placed kicks, Charming gets back to the surface and broski-in-arms Arthur pulls him out of the water and to safety.

Inside Hook’s ship, which is sailing in the middle of nowhere, Hook asks Emma what’s behind the locked door in her house. Avoiding the question, Emma explains that she thinks she’s a better human being as the dark one; she sees things clearly and isn’t scared. Hook thinks she’s crazy to try and make this relationship work with her being the fairy tale devil. Emma tries to reason with him: Belle and Gold did it while Gold was still evil, why can’t they? She’s not being honest and he’s fed up. What does she need from him? Avoiding another one question, she asks him if he loves her and if he doesn’t she’ll let him go. “I loved you.” She disappears and I give myself a high-five for Hook’s cold stab in the heart. The truth hurts, sister.

Arthur and Charming lost the mushroom while struggling to get out of the water. Charming is upset about it; he wants to be more than the man that kissed Snow White awake and Arthur wants to be more than the man that pulled the sword from the rock. They’re both suffering from a serious case of being emasculated;  Arthur tells him he can be more than what it is.

In Storybrooke, Arthur’s assistant is tied up as he blurts out he stole the items to hurt the King because he felt under rated. They find the magic mushroom underneath a tent, but don’t remember what it’s for. Charming shows it to Regina and she recognizes it from the Camelot book. Charming finally has his day in the sun! It feels really weird though, seeing Snow be like “aww, good job!”, almost as if it’s fake or forced. It isn’t, and I realize that, but it’s like patting a dog on the head after fetching a stick, which one would figure should insult Charming’s intellect. 

In Camelot, Arthur makes Charming one of the new knights of the round table, a Knight of the Enchanted Forest. However, instead of Charming sitting at one of the knight’s chairs, he gets to sit at the head chair because Arthur trusts him the most. Snow takes the baby in the hall because it’s crying during the celebration, and the shadow flicks by… It’s Lancelot. The dark one isn’t the only villain in town, Arthur is also to be feared.

Arthur is a bad, bad boy and the cloak (for the viewers) is finally off of his shiny veneer. While speaking to his jailed assistant, he explains that he’s been inflating Charming’s ego and using him to get ahead. He’s upset that they brought the Dark One into Camelot and is now keeping them from getting back home. Arthur is bringing Camelot to Storybrooke, since there’s no feasible way to get home anymore. Arthur gives his assistant some poison so he can die in service of Camelot. The assistant stalls a little, because dying sounds shitty, but as  he drinks it, his last words are “for Camelot.” Yeah, for Camelot, indeed.

Hook goes to Granny’s and speaks with Robin, asking him to break into Emma’s house to get behind the locked door. Belle sees some of the rose petals in her glass jar fall, sending her into a tizzy since Gold isn’t holding on to life very well… but suddenly the petals absorb back up into the flower; he’s waking up. She rushes back to the pawn shop and his body is missing.

Emma has Gold’s body and holds Hook’s sword over it. Belle sees the Rose come back together, as Emma wakes Gold up from his slumber. Gold understandably freaks out seeing that she’s the Dark One, and she wants to make him into the hero that she needs. Talk about a role reversal!

Tl;dr – Emma cannot, under any circumstances, be trusted. Charming gets to shine a bit, but still gets a pat on the head from his more badass wife, Lancelot is alive and Arthur is this season’s enemy #2. Also, Robin learns how to use a phone and it’s the best 15 seconds in the episode.