Humans are a crazy, messed up and sadistic species. Halloween is a fun and scary holiday. Why not combine the two? Below I compiled 10 fun techniques by ancient civilizations (modern torture just doesn’t hold a candle) that you could bring up for a lively discussion at any cocktail party... like if you’re hitting on a guy, you may say: "I’d love to slowly disembowel you while hungry rodents feasted on your intestines and you got to watch. Trick or Treat?”
You could use some of them to liven up your next Halloween gathering! Who doesn't like slowly sawing someone in half in their living room? I know these are the type of things that make me lift up my skirt. Or unzip my pants. If you aren’t into that, these will just make you glad you live in an age when you pay money to have actors at a theme park scare the pants off of you, instead of living it.
The Nine Familial Exterminations
This Halloween, instead of just scaring the crap out of your friends by threatening to execute them, why not do like ancient Chinese emperors did? As in, threaten eight other levels of their family: spouse, children, parents, grandparents, siblings, siblings in-law, parents in-law and aunts and uncles. Just don’t be a douche like Fang Xiaoru. He refused to write an inaugural address for an incoming Emperor. Threatened with the Nine Familial Exterminations he went one step further and suggested they add an extra level, his students. In total his refusual to write cost 873 people their lives. What a dick.
Buddhism and the Hindu Mafia
We have all heard the saying, "the punishment fits the crime." You may have heard that Buddhism is a pacifist religion. You may not know that ancient Hindu culture was based off a caste system, where whatever family you were born into, that is what you were destined to do. Rule, beg, farm, and at the time of Buddha, crime had gotten so bad there was an entire caste of people who spent their lives committing all sorts of crimes. The Ancient Hindu Mafia. The punishments always fit the crime, which makes me wonder what they looked like back then all hacked off. Explains why Buddha was all about peace and serenity, huh?
This Halloween, why not try it out on your friends? If Susie steals some candy, cut off her thieving hands. If Billy screams too loudly, cut out his tongue. If Tommy tries to drown someone bopping for apples, throw his ass in and don’t let him come up for air until he’s dead. If that crone down the street is trying to poison you with caramel apples, then you poison her right back and get some in her eyes too, that way she can’t see to make more poison. Get creative and remember: If they wear a crown, no matter what culture, they’re always let off easier.
Here’s one of those that served as ancient torture and execution technique and is now a fun sexual fetish for people nowadays. For 4,000 years in Southeast Asia, you could get stepped on by a large animal, say an elephant, until you got crushed to death. This practice was adopted by the romans and traveled into medieval times where it morphed into being crushed by large piles of rocks. This Halloween, you can have your friend dress up as a cow and leave their hoof prints on your chest as you struggle to breath through your sexual arousal. Or you can call up a madam with a thyroid condition and let her sit on you. Both fun things for you and Bae to try out this Halloween. See if you can get a 2-for-1 special and remember: always have a safe word.
If you have never heard of being disemboweled... no, you have definitely seen it. It’s when your stomach gets cut open and all your intestines and organs come out. This is one of those slow torture executions that got a much needed upgrade in medieval times. At first when they started doing it they would just remove your organs one by one while you were still alive. Once that got old, and they’d heard enough of the same screams after hundreds of years they leveled up. You have heard of that torture technique made popular recently with the rats in a box that burrow through your body? Disembowelment + Rodents = Fun! You only pull a little bit of their intestines out after cutting open their abdomen and let them watch themselves get eaten alive. This is a fun pick-up line for your kids to try. Keep a wingman in case things go sour so you can assure your new friend that you don’t have any rodents at home; or, at least, that they don’t eat human.
This is one of my favorites. It combines humiliation, being slowly eaten alive, and lawn decorations in a way that truly warms by heart and brings out the homemaker in me. It requires one person, one tub, some milk and honey, mac-n-cheese, and 1 week’s worth of prep time. First you lure your friend into the tub then lock them in there so only their head is showing. (I’ve seen different variations where you tie them to a stake, a tree, or between two trees. For the sake of this being your first time, let’s just let their head and screams be the entertaining part of this lawn ornament. Next, rub the milk and honey on their face (if you don’t have a week and want to cut a couple of days off the prep time feed, them some milk and honey, too! They’ll get diarrhea and fast forward the next part!). Flies will be attracted to the milk and honey and start feeding off your friend’s face. Feed them their three square meals a day with some mac-n-cheese. It is easy to make and feed. Maggots and flies will start multiplying in their excrement. Then, they’ll start feasting on your friend. His screams will light up the night as he decays alive! Your lawn will be the talk of the neighborhood!
The Cement Shoes
This one was actually a favorite of the American Mafia, and perfect if you have a party outside and need some pool decorations. Get a couple friends, some cement blocks, and some quick dry cement. Have your friends sit in a chair, because they might get tired of standing. Tie them to the chair. You don’t want them moving later when the cement dries and you wouldn’t want to start all over. Don’t bother explaining... or do. It depends on how fast you want them to get nervous. I don’t like to explain myself, because I like to listen to them verbally run through every other option of what could be going on and apologize before settling on the screaming and pleading for their lives. It’s your own choice. Then, stick their feet in the holes in the cement blocks, pour some quick drying over their shoes and voila! You have something to throw into your pool. They’ll sink to the bottom rather quickly. For fun you could put a lawn hose down there with them and they can breathe and scream all they want, providing a wonderful ambiance to your party. When you’re done you throw them in a lake or river in true mafia fashion.
Staring at the Sun
The Comanche Indians of the Central Plains in North America were one of the most feared tribe of Indians…ever. They were basically the North American equivalent of the Spartans. Weirdly enough, they are also the best integrated tribe in modern society, and their culture is thriving. They managed to turn the blood lust and warrior spirit into a culture that values education and business acumen. However, they did have one torture technique that’ll be really fun for the rude guests at your party who either just won’t leave or make themselves too at home. Take them out back, bury them so only their head is sticking out of the ground, and cut off their eyelids. This might be a good time to say you should make sure they are facing east. Wake up in the morning to their glorious blood curtling screams as their eyes slowly get burnt into blindness by the rising sun. No more blinking. No more seeing. No more staying past when it is time to go. These ladies from “Game of Thrones” could have learned something from the Comanche.http://i.imgur.com/pnsU8MK.jpg
The “death by a thousand cuts” is a fun game to play instead of pin the tail on the donkey. Take one person and tie them down in the middle of the room. Everyone can take turns making small cuts on them until every limb has some portion of flesh removed. You can take out larger and larger chunks as they slowly lose more and more blood. When, you’re finally done and want to move on to the next activity you can stab them in the heart or slit their throat. If you need help figuring out how to do this, you can google search this as it was one of the only techniques practiced and documented after the invention of cameras. It’s disgusting and one of the most vile things I’ve ever seen.
This is sure to be the climax and what everyone will talk about after your Halloween party. Hang one of those vagabond friends you have upside down and get out a saw. This is one of those weird instances where people without a lot of medical training figured something out medically to prolong the torture. Helping people live so you could hear them scream was pretty high on the list. You hang them upside down to keep blood in their head so they stay alive and conscious. Take a saw-- any kind will do --and start drilling right between their legs. If you don’t want to cut them in half in one fell swoop, you can cut them to their abdomen and listen to them whimper and bleed out as you and your friends enjoy another cocktail and some laughs. I suggest red wine to really put everyone in the mood. Vampire party!
In researching this article, I was shocked by how many women-specific torture techniques there were in every culture, during every period, and on every continent. An entire article could be devoted to the different devices used to subjugate women. I will never write it because I think a lady should. She should be able to provide the righteous anger her gender deserves. All I can express is genuine horror and disgust. I’m not going to tell you how this works or the different things they did with it. All I’m going to say is maybe this Halloween celebrate the women around you. For all the lost souls who have been tortured because of their gender throughout history, celebrate the ladies. Ladies, celebrate yourselves. It may not be the easiest time to be a woman, but thankfully you didn’t have to deal with some of this stuff. Wear what you want and have a great time!
Happy Halloween ya’ll!