The author is on the loose, Rumple is still scheming and Emma is so, so mad at her parents - what else could go wrong?
A lot, really.
Mr. and Mrs. Snow tell Emma that they know the author and try to show that they're good people, no matter what they did to her. Emma is clearly mad, as she deserves to be, but knows that the author must be found before Rumple gets to him. The author is wandering in the woods and whittles down a stick, presumably to write with. Rumple shows up explaining that you have to have a magic quill to write and none of the trees in Storybrooke are magical. Which is crazy, cause I swear EVERYTHING else in that town is magical. Rumpz shows the author that he has the magical quill and demands new happy endings. He poofs them away in a cloud of purple as the heroes search party keeps on trudging through the woods.
Rumpz is in the crypt with Regina, who is currently bound and unable to perform magic. Her betrayal is out in the open and Rumpz is upset that he "lost everything" (and WHOSE fault is that?!) before showing her a sticky note with Robin Hood's number on it. He knows something. He conjures a flip phone for her to call and she dials...
Suddenly it cuts back to 9 weeks ago, as Robin left Storybrooke with his family, consequently breaking our hearts into a million pieces. In New York they're looking for Baelfire's old apartment to live in. Suddenly some jerk steals Marian's purse and takes off on a bike. What does Robin do? He mounts a white horse and gallops back into my pants... er... after the mugger. He tackles the man on the bike and berates him - "a thief that steals from those in need has no honor."
We cut to Sherwood Forest back in the day, when Robin was a bartender and Marian a barmaid. Little John is there to talk Robin back into a life of theft and adventure, but Robin isn't interested. As a newlywed, he has to keep his nose clean and the best way to do that is in a bar. In strolls the deliciously mean Sheriff of Nottingham, who I'd like to see more of. As he is known for, Sheriff is there to collect on taxes, something Robin doesn't have. Naughtyham hits on Marian, who shades him out the door. Robin has 2 days to get the money or the bar closes down.
In New York Robin and Marian are struggling with our world and the crap they've had to deal with. There's a rustling at the door and who else would walk in but Rumpz. He's so pissed that Robin and company are holding down the fort in Bael's old apartment, even more so because he needs a place to shack up. Rumpz plays a bit of head games in regards to Regina and just as Robin lays into him for being a jerk Rumpz collapses...
In Sherwood Forest Robin is cleaning up a very empty bar when that very familiar voice and red cape comes in. Rumpz wants to make a deal (NO WAY): break into Zelena's vault in Oz and steal the Elixir of the Wounded Heart in exchange for tax money to save the bar.
Rumpz is in the hospital in NYC and Robin is there to check on him. Robin has a split second where he ALMOST calls Regina, causing all of the OUaT fandom to gasp in excitement. This, however, doesn't come to pass and Robin goes to talk to Rumpz. He had a heartattack. All that darkness within him has added up and in the real world, it's poisoning his heart. Rumpz reminds him about the elixir from long ago and claims that he needs it. Conveniently enough, it's here in NYC. Robin wonders why he would ever help the imp and Rumpz reminds him that he is a man with a code... he'll do it simply because of that.
Robin strolls into Oz to find Will Scarlet tied up on the ground, thanks to a now knocked-out guard that Robin landed on. Will wants a slice of the pie, asking Robin to steal some potion for him and he'll keep the guard from squealing.
Robin is at "The Wizard of Oak", a furniture store in NYC, where apparently a bit of the magical elixir still remains. He breaks in as a very loud alarm goes off - no time to waste! Digging through a desk he finds a very inconspicuous green drawer. I WONDER what ever could be in there! He grabs the vial as the police pull up out front. Robin bolts out the back, jumping through a window like the badass that he is. Back at the apartment Marian is not a happy woman knowing he stole for Rumpz. "Maybe you should consider the greater good and let him die." Wow, Marian. That's cold.
In Oz, Robin strolls into Zelena's main chamber in the cutest little Ozian guard outfit known to man. He grabs a weird green necklace (because why not) and then starts to pour vials of the elixir just as Zelena catches him in the act. Nobody but Rumpz would be bold enough to steal from her, so she wants to know why Robin is there. He grabs a bow and arrow nearby and fires it off; it hits a canister and steam pours into the room, giving Robin the perfect cloaking device to escape. He meets up with Will in the forest, telling him that he doesn't have any of the elixir. He LIED!
In the hospital Robin shows Rumpz that he has the elixir but will give it to him on conditions: leave me the hell alone. He gives him the vial and leaves. Rumpz can barely wait to slurp it down... and it doesn't work... "It's not working. Why isn't it working!?"
Marian strolls in.
"Because it's not real magic. I tried to convince Robin to let you die but he wouldn't listen to reason..."
She switched the vials - he just drank some NyQuil. Marian shows Rumpz the necklace she's wearing as it suddenly turns green...
ZELENA. IT'S ZELENA.
She didn't die in the jail cell! That green mist that spawned and then took off in the portal that Hook and Emma fell through was her. She simply waited for the right moment to strike and return. Zelena saw that they were going to bring Marian back so she killed her and took Marian's form.
Slick. Crazy. Bitch.
Knowing that she could make it back and ruin Regina's happiness is what drove her, but to get back at Rumpz, too? Icing on the evil green cake. Rumpz can't handle the news and his heart fails. Zelena knocks on his chest like he's the tin man, "Hollow. What a beautiful echo."
Rumpz wakes up with Zelena still over him and a breathing tube in his throat; she's mentally torturing him. She was going to trick Robin into falling in love with her, totally crushing Regina's chance at happiness. She can't win him over (because TRUE LOVE), so she's using Rumpz to try and secure a happy ending. She has the potion that will cure him, but all he has to do is make sure the author gives her a happy ending and everyone leaves her alone. They make a deal and maybe for the first time ever, Rumpz isn't the one proposing the deal.
In Oz, Robin and Will are about to part ways. Will applauds him for being a noble man, something that bothers Robin since he basically lied to Will about the elixir. Will never wanted to sell the potion, he wanted to mend his own broken heart; his sister drowned many years ago and there is no other way to move on. They say goodbye as Robin walks back through the Ozian door. Will keeps on strolling down the yellow brick road, noticing a weird lump in his coat pocket when he goes to sit - the vial. "Bloody scoundrel."
Robin checks in on Rumpz as he's leaving the hospital. He's gathered some of Bael's things from the apartment, thinking Rumpz may want it. He wants nothing to do with the items, as they belong to Neil Cassidy. It would be a reminder that he failed as a father, that even when he had happiness, he failed to see it. Robin confesses the tension between Marian and him. Rumpz asks if Robin thinks that Marian is still his happy ending and he starts to shake his head no, but cuts off with a "I don't know." I think you DO know Robin!! Now remember, Rumpz knows that Marian is actually Zelena, so this changes everything, but he goes on to tell Robin that "Well maybe you should take a piece of advice from a man who has pushed away every chance at happiness because it was never enough. If it's within your grasp, if you know what it is, and who it's with, then you should run to it, grasp it... and never let it go."
GO BACK TO REGINA. GO GET HER!
In Nottingham, the Sheriff shows up for the taxes and the bar is utterly empty. Robin didn't get the money and he's going to be handcuffed and carted off...
Little John shows up with some archers and stops the Sheriff just as Robin explains that his honor comes from "stealing from those who have too much and giving it to those who have too little."
Ladies and gents, I present to you: Robin
of Sherwood Hood.
Robin shows Marian that he snatched a 6 Leaf Clover Necklace from Zelena, an item that can change your appearance. She wants to know why he was working with Rumpz and she's oddly cool with this tag-team. Robin explains that the difference between being good and bad is all in the wording: it's not that you're stealing FROM someone, it's who you're stealing FOR. They have a lovely moment where she says no matter what he does or where he goes, she'll be by his side.
Marian (ZELENA) wants to know why Robin has a phone with Regina's phone number on it. She lays on the water works, and knowing that it's Zelena now has me practically screaming at the TV. Robin, not knowing who he is really talking to, explains that he wants to be with Marian. NO. NO NO NO NO. UGH Zelena, you are the worst. To prove his devotion, he deletes Regina's phone number. Son of a...
Cut to 9 weeks later as Regina is on the phone.
She hears Zelena's voice and collapses in shock and anger.
"Where's Robin? This is his phone, what have you done with him?"
Oh, she's taking care of him alright. No worries, sis, I'm being little housewife *chuckle*.
I just threw my remote at the TV.
Regina is so mad, I'm expecting her to throw on some skin-tight leather and purple thigh-high boots and just rage her way through Rumpz. But she doesn't. Rumpz says that she has to obey what he says now or he'll have Zelena kill Robin. She fights it, she won't let Rumpz turn Emma dark.
"So you've made your choice, have you? You're choosing your savior over your beloved Robin Hood. Is that your final answer?"
For a moment she's in tears, upset at the thought of losing Robin...
Then her face changes. Old Regina is baaaaaack.
This is getting good, Oncers!!