Hello, Oncers! I am Shannon, your spiritual guide to this week’s episode. Our lovely Chrissy is out for a little bit so I’m stepping in to make sure you’ve got your weekly dose of Storybrooke drama.

Hook is onboard the Jolly Roger, being his badass piratey self. Suddenly a lovely voice takes them over, putting every man on the ship in a trance. They sail towards the voice, as pirates tend to do (because plot!) when suddenly Hook notices there’s a bunch of rocks in their way. They avoid collision, only because the voice stopped. It sounds like Ariel… but no, it’s Ursula! We see her as her younger self, talking to her father Poseidon about how she wants to use her alluring voice for good. So Ursula was a mermaid before she went all octopus up in the big blue sea, which is something I certainly wasn’t expecting. Her father wants to use her voice for evil, as humans are the worst; she wants to use it to honor her mother, as that’s all she has left of her.

Cruella, Ursula, Maleficent, Gold and Regina have been hanging out in their secret evil cabin in the woods, plotting as usual. Unfortunately, August is there as well, being mentally toyed with by the villians due to the fact he’s the guru on all things about THE AUTHOR *cue ominous music*. I’ve thought for a while that somehow August was the author. No, it doesn’t make sense… but it’s Once Upon A Time… nothing ever makes sense. Also, Gold is involved in everything.

August is threatened with fire (as a former wooden puppet, his fears are absolutely sound) when he explains that back when he was in full wanderlust mode, in Hong Kong he met a mystic who knew about the book. This man, The Dragon, wanted to know about the book too, but died. Luckily August grabbed the research The Dragon had on the book and the evil villains get that creepy, curly up-to-no-good smile all up on their faces.

Regina stares into the fire and sends out this weird looking smoke. That’s promising.

Hook, Emma, Mr. and Mrs. Charming are walking along, trying to track the baddies when suddenly Snow is hit with Regina’s mysterious black smoke. Regina’s voice comes out of Snow’s mouth explaining that they have August and that Gold is back in town.

Clearly, Belle is none too pleased knowing her crazy ex is back and explains that she gave the dagger to Killian. Surprise! They all realize it wasn’t Killian, but Gold posing as him. Belle is upset at being decieved once again and Hook slides into a sexy little rage about taking down that damned Crocodile (aka Mr. Gold). Hook explains that maybe if he gives Ursula her happy ending back, then things could get better. What did he do to that poor girl!?

Regina and August are cozy in the cabin when she opens up about Robin Hood (*SOB*). August remembers the love she had for the Hood, even though he was just a little boy a bit ago. Regina is trying to get information out of him as Ursula gets up urgently to leave. Hook is blowing this majestic horn, which I liken to a magical cell phone to ring up Ursula. She shows up and he explains that he has what she wants – but in order to get it back, she has to confess what Gold is up to in Storybrooke.

A younger Ursula is in a tavern singing “Myserious Fathoms Below” to some extremely enthralled pirates. Hook hits her up, saying he knows her voice and that she’s the  mermaid that almost sank his ship. As a peace offering, they have a drink and she explains the rift between her and her father. She’s wandering the land because the sea just isn’t the place to belt out a good tune anymore. Ursula’s father has her sing to kill sailors, since it was a pirate who killed his wife and Ursula’s mother. Vocal revenge! Hook relates to this, as Gold screwed him over so many years ago, but thanks Ursula for her voice since it set him free for a moment. Ursula wants to travel and Hook offers her and ride.

Hook and older Ursula are at the pier in Storybrooke. The ‘thing’ he has that she wants is in the Jolly Roger, which is who-knows-where. Ursula hasn’t been in the ocean since she was banished to this world, but puts her big girl panties on and summons a portal between worlds. They summoned up the Jolly Roger – which is now a figurine inside of a bottle.

Back in the Enchanted Forest (er, harbor?), Hook is hooded and taken onto his ship, where Poseidon awaits him. He sea king asks Hook to take her singing voice and store it in a magical shell (LITTLE MERMAID, ANYONE?!) so that Ursula will return to the sea. If Hook does this, Poseidon can offer him squid ink, a paralyzation spell that can render anyone immobile – including Rumpelstiltskin.

Hook and Ursula head to the pawn shop to talk with Belle and Will Scarlet (the Knave), asking if they know how to restore the ship in the bottle. And of course, Will has the hook up.

Regina walks through the woods, staring at the photo of her and Robin Hood when in the distance we hear…. OMG ROBIN!? He comes running up and they embrace (and I squeal) when suddenly evil, pleather-wearing Regina shows up, tossing a fireball their way and exclaiming “Get away… from…. him!” From him? Interesting. BOOM Regina wakes up (of course it was too good to have Robin back, sheesh). Gold is back at the cabin, being all skeevy and explaining that he has a way to make August talk. This little vial Gold has will turn August back into wood… and away he goes, becoming a puppet once again. The spell doesn’t last for long though, as August becomes human again. There are lasting effects though – if August lies, his nose will now grow. And grow it does. Gold whips August around in his chair and faces his nose towards a fire. Interrogating him, August keeps lying and his nose keeps growing. Finally, August gives in…

• The sorcerer lives behind a door (which, we knew).
• Regina knows about the door.
• There’s a page missing from the book that had a drawing of the door on it (Regina claims they’re just scraps of paper that are now in Henry’s hands).
• August remembers what the door looks like, but has no idea where it is in Storybrooke. Wait, IN Storybrooke?!

The hunt begins for the door, a hunt which Regina unwillingly goes on.

Ursula and Hook use a little bit of magic to bring the Jolly Roger back to it’s gloriously full size.

Back in time, young Ursula is singing her butt off on the Jolly Roger as Hook shows her the shell. He explains the situation, the deal her father offered Hook to fight the Dark One. Hook won’t go through with the voice entrapment, as he has a code. He counter proposes that if she breaks in and steals the squid ink for him, he’ll take her anywhere she likes. Win-win situation!

Older Ursula and Hook are in the ship and he shows her the shell, with her voice still inside. They go to free her voice, and it simply won’t work. She calls the deal off and he threatens her with a gun. She beats his ass with her tentacles and drops his unconscious body in the harbor. Why you gotta be like that, Ursula? Of course, nobody at ABC would let Hook die that easily… Ariel swims up and saves him. She DID take off to live happily with Eric, but she was trapped in the bottle.

Younger Ursula and Hook are in a great mood, as she was able to steal the squid ink and he’s ready to fire up his Tom Tom and travel the seas with her. Poseidon shows up and steals the ink back, which pisses Hook off. To get back at the sea king, he steals Ursula’s voice, which leaves her devastated and anti-human. Poseidon asks for the shell back, and being a God I’m sure he could easily take it, but Hook promises to destroy it, and therefore any chance of sinking any more ships. Hook: 1, Poseidon: 0. I don’t like evil Hook; I don’t miss him at all.

Emma breaks into the cabin just as Cruella is hitting on August (yasss). Snow knocks out Cruella with a frying pan (not as good of a swing as Rapunzel in Tangled) and they help August. Emma and the former puppet have a nice little reunion. Ursula shows up, explaining that Hook is ‘shark bait’, before strangling Snow with her tentacle. Where the hell does she hide those things?!

Younger Ursula and Poseidon are talking, and the little mermaid snaps. She gives up her fins to rock those crazy octopus tentacles we all know and fear. Her power surpasses her father’s and she turns on the ‘fear me, bro’ attitude.

Older Ursula is threatening Snow still when Hook strolls in. He figured out that only the person who enchanted the shell can set her voice free – her father.

In walks Daddio (brought to this world by Ariel).

He apologizes profusely, regretting what he did and how he lost her and ergo, lost her mother again as well. Magic happens and her voice comes back. The look of joy on her face got me a little choked up, I have to admit. Poseidon bows away, saying he’ll leave her be, but she can’t let him go. Heart-melting family reunion! Not all is perfect though, as Cruella ran her fabulous ass out of the room and off to warn Gold. Hook explains that he almost fell back into his darkness, which definitely freaks him out – but what truly scares him is the book. Once upon a time (har har), Hook was once a villain… and villains aren’t meant to have happy endings. His fear is that he will lose his happy ending – Emma.

Regina, Maleficent and Gold are walking around in the nighttime being all evil-like when Cruella rolls up in her AMAZING vehicle, explaining that August is gone and there is a mole in their group. Regina practically wets her pants in fear of being found – but Cruella says it’s actually Ursula. Regina is sent off to bring the page from the book with the door on it… which I’m SURE she’ll get right on.

Ursula explains to Hook that Emma is the piece to the villains getting their happy endings. She’s the savior – as long as she’s around, the author can’t give the villains what they want. But no, Gold doesn’t want to kill Emma… he just wants to turn her heart to darkness. Forever. Seriously, Gold… why are you such a jerk?

Regina confides her Robin Hood-themed dream in Emma, explaining that the Evil Queen Regina was there to protect Robin from something. Regina asks Emma to track Robin and she readily agrees. It can’t be that simple, right? August is napping on the couch nearby and wakes up to see Regina, wondering what she’s doing there. I certainly wouldn’t want to wake up and see my kidnapper hovering over me, that’s for sure! They ask August what is up with the page from the book; where is that door?! It isn’t at the sorcerer’s mansion.

What?

“But you said you didn’t know where it was, and your nose didn’t grow…”

“My nose didn’t grow because I wasn’t lying. When Gold asked me, I didn’t know where the door was because I didn’t know where Henry was keeping this page…”

THE DAMN ILLUSTRATION IS THE DOOR! THE AUTHOR IS TRAPPED IN THE BOOK!

Mind: blown. Man, I love this show.

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