A whiny business man is going on about he hates his new creative director to a gorgeous blonde. She tells him to stuff it, strips off her little black dress to reveal the dominatrix attire beneath. She binds him up and gags him and then silkily says "We'll be playing a little game called 'Guess The Toy'." before whipping his ass. Like literally whipping him. Is this really network television?
Henry is bored out of his damn mind (which yes, will be cured later) as Abe walks in. He's been out partying and part of me wonders if he's gotten 'some'. Henry smells Maureen De La Croix on her. Guys, if I had known who exactly would be playing this saucy minx, I would have lost my mind then. But that surprise is yet to come. Abe and Maureen have one hell of a history that involves 2 divorces and a lot of heartbreak.
"The ones who love us the most are the ones who can hurt us the most deeply."
Our whiny bizniz man is dead on the street. Hanson explains the situation in his suave accent and perfect hair (it kind of puts me in a trance) and Henry reflects upon Jo's ability to pick the scene apart. At the lab everyone gathers around to see that all-bizniz-and-no-play did indeed get to play, as he's whipped enough to look like a zebra. Oh, and he had plenty of choking time as well, with the cause of death being asphyxiation. Lucas walks in with a blacklight, further cementing his odd awesomeness. They see the marks inflicted over the dead man's body, showing that he is crazy deep into the kink. Hanson is like 'aw, hell no.' And Henry chides him for judging, saying that "It's a fine line between pleasure and pain." What's the line you walk, Henry?
The wife of the dead man explains that they were indeed happy and that the marks on his body were put there by a sex therapist, who goes by the name of Iona Pain (which I found funny since the man who plays Henry is named Ioan...). It wasn't about sex, it was about power! But that sex therapy, that stuff sure helped their marriage. The wife stings Jo with "Are you married?" and we see the reflection on her dead husband's life and a tinge of pain. Back up off it, lady.
They visit the sex therapist, who just got done helping a man who looks quite um... loose. She once again strips down right in front of them, this time without the total dominatrix outfit underneath. And Henry seriously has the most obvious eye sex ever as she slinks around. They explain to her that her client from the night before is dead; would she care to explain? They wander inside her little BDSM office-dungeon-thing with Henry clearly enjoying himself... intellectually. They see her pulley system used to strangle people, so she's immediately suspect numero uno.
They get her back to the station and Hanson can't help his curiosity: "Let me ask you a question doc, why would people pay $300 an hour to get their asses kicked?" to which Henry replies "If it makes them forget their true pain.... I'd call it a bargain." Some self reflection there, huh, Henry? Jo lays into Iona about the bruises and lash marks on bizniz man and Iona explains it wasn't being strangled that killed the man, as the neck muscles were too thick from previous, erm, encounters. And then Jo pulls on her sassy pants and just OWNS Iona:
Queen Jo: "So what in your expert opinion killed him?"
Iona: "He stopped breathing."
Queen Jo: "Isn't that how
Bizniz was killed by electrocution!
Back at the antiques shop, Abe is being awesome as per usual. And... holy shit... it's...
She strolls in as Marueen, Abe's muse. She turns on the sexytime to 10. She practically jacks off a candlestick holder, trying to get Abe to jump her; it worked. I love this. Please, if anyone knows the writers for this show, or the show runner, or ANYONE... tell them I will do whatever they want if they make it so Jane Seymour never leaves.
Jo and Hanson find a cattle prod in the trash, which is likely the murder weapon. Lucas tells Henry to not be down about his misdiagnosis and invites Henry out to some proper socialization. Henry says next time to which Lucas, in a downtrodden manor replies "Next time is what you said last time." HENRY for the love of everything good, go hang with your homeslice Lucas. Be bros, I need this.
Henry gets home to see Abe and Maureen dancing; the sexytime is still at 10. So what does Henry do in the darkness of night? He goes to visit Iona. He's just curious, guys. Yeah... just curious. She offers him a demonstration of her work and he seems a tad reluctant. She starts to undress him anyway and handcuffs him in.
Courtesy of: Yahoo
Okay, this is the point in the show I have to count my lucky stars I'm watching this alone.
Iona notices that Henry has a dark past, to which he has a flashback. It's 1815 and a woman named Nora is mourning his gravestone. He saunters up all like "yeah I fell off the ship but I'm a good swimmer?" I wonder if that was lie #1 for him. Back to reality, Iona wants to help Henry unlock his pain. She just wants to help you, Henry. HOLY HOTNESS.
"First, you will beg me to stop... And then you will beg me not to."
Courtesy of: Giphy
Then freaking Hanson and Jo show up to arrest Iona. Jo finds Henry and basically goes all awkward turtle once she realizes that yes, he might have been there for fun. Perfect.
The next day at the office Jo explains that Iona has lost her license previously as one of her clients committed suicide. We find that her real name is Molly as Henry has a heart to heart with her. The patient who killed himself... she fell in love with him. Love makes us do crazy things. But now that she's older and learned her lesson, she prefers the lone wolves. Cue the side eye to Henry. She knows. Go get that lone wolf, sister. She won't give her clients up even though it'll save her ass from the case hanging over her head.
Flashback to 1815 where Henry and Nora are discussing his circumstance. He can't explain the truth, even though she's given him everything.
We see Abe lying on a couch as Maureen brings him a cup of coffee dressed only in his shirt. They reflect on their past together, Maureen explaining that she knows they were meant to be. She wants to live life to the fullest; what's keeping you here with all this old stuff, Abe? There is so much temptress activity in this episode I can barely handle it.
Jo and Henry are digging through Iona's stuff. Jo reflects that Iona totes has the hots for Henry. GO GET HER ALREADY. They find a book that seems a little out of place and call Hanson. The phone acts up though and upon further sex dungeon inspection, they find a bug under a vase. Someone is being spied on!
The surveillance was put there by one of their own who happens to now be a retired PI. He is all skeevy and denies everything until he's promised immunity and so on. He spills the beans that he was hired by the bizniz guy's wife to figure out what's going on. The PI calls Iona a skank in a leather skirt, which lights a fire under Henry's ass. PI keeps on poking the bear saying "I didn't know you had a soft spot for whores."
And Henry... busts... face. He slugs the PI and notes that hey, pain can be quite liberating. Excuse me as I stand and applaud this moment.
Abe and Henry talk about Maureen... she wants Abe to run away with her. Henry has never met the woman, because nobody can be trusted. He doesn't want to meet the harlot stealing his son away! Abe has a good feeling about it though and Henry does agree to meet her now that the danger of being found is nearly over since Abe is well... older, and mortal. Such deep feelings.
In 1815 Henry and Nora are arguing about his truth, and he's threatening to cut himself to prove his new 'problem'. She says that she believes him, but quickly follows the exclamation with a look of concern and slight despair.
Jo is talking to the bizniz wife, who is upset she couldn't be the woman to get through to him. Jo asks where she was the night of the murder. She explains she wanted to feel what her husband felt... she was the client that Iona was protecting.
Henry and Iona encounter eachother on the street and the sexual tension is so thick you can, and should, cut through it with a butter knife. She wants to hook up with our favorite immortal doctor, but his lack of social media makes it oh so difficult to send racy photos. For the love of everything wonderful, someone hook Henry up with a Snapchat, please! She gives him a peck on the cheek, making women within 100 miles shake in jealousy. From inside a van we see a hooded man watching the scene. He pulls over and zaps Henry with a stun gun. Can someone please explain to me how a human gets stunned in the middle of NYC and NOBODY NOTICES!?
Abe and Maureen are still listening to some slow jams, waiting for Henry to show up for dinner. Maureen thinks that Henry is his son. Yes, that's correct, let's stick with that, shall we?
Henry is in the van, being carted off to who knows where.
Abe and Jo are on the phone, wondering where in the world Henry Morgan could possibly be (a new version of Carmen San Diego
, please?). Jo and Hanson team up and see surveillance of Henry being zapped and dragged into a van. Jo takes a looksie at the perp and notices a tattoo on him... one that she saw on a man at Iona's office. Jo asks Iona for help, privacy clause be damned. She explains he was a patient but she's making him take a break, as he went a bit too far and became a stalker of sorts. Jo is like "what the crap does this guy want with my Henry?" to which Iona, with her gorgeous doe eyes says "errrrrm, might have to do with that luscious kiss I planted on Henry's cheek."
This, ladies and gents, is the face of surprise, and methinks a tad bit of jealousy. Jo didn't bitchslap Iona for snogging her man; honestly, I don't know which of these two to root for.
Henry is chained up on a giant X. Oh, and he's shirtless. Crazypants with the tattoo has a plethora of torture devices all ready to go. Henry doesn't seem to give a crap about dying (DUH), trying to skip past the torture. Crazypants says hell no, proceeding to strangle Henry via a choking device on a chain. Crazypants explains that he saw Henry kissing his woman and frankly, no dice. "Iona belongs to me. You understand?! SHE IS MINE." Henry is like "yup, got it, I'll peace out." Crazypants grabs a wire and attaches it to a battery... well, shit. Is Henry about to die by electrocution?
Henry flashes back to 1815 while being zapped. Dear, sweet Nora had poor, innocent Henry shipped off to the crazy house. The white jacket suits him well. Also, glad to see the return of those frisky muttonchops.
Back in the present, Henry explains that killing him won't help make the pain go away and just as Crazypants goes to shock him again, in bust the cavalry. With one last chance, Crazypants shocks Henry through his shackle, causing the danger level to increase. For a moment I really though we might see death #6. Henry grabs the torturer while being shocked, causing Crazypants to pass out. Jo and company take Henry down off the X and she notices the mark on his chest from the initial infinity-causing gunshot wound. "It's a story for another time."
Abe is relieved Henry is alright and Maureen has the realization that no, Abe isn't coming with her. Jane-I'm-A-Sexpot-Seymour slips into the night, taking my heart with her. BRING HER BACK, WRITERS!!
Henry says pain warns us of danger, but can also remind us that we are alive
. It's so damn true that it... hurts?
And if you weren't shocked enough (I like my bad jokes, damnit)...
Henry shows up for a social occasion with the gang. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, GUYS. Jo and Hanson are like YISSS. Henry tries to explain about his chest scar, saying he wants her to know the story - he was shot... then suddenly...
"SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. HE'S HERE! LOOK AT THAT. *hug* Sorry, I totally just violated your personal space." Lucas, you absolutely stole the scene. And my heart. Again.
Courtesy of: ABC
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