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Welcome back Destroyers and welcome to the finale episode for season one of Destroy The Alpha Gammas, “BXXCH.”
Before I begin, I would just like to say an enormous thank you to the cast and crew of DAG who created this web series. It is something fresh and different and exciting, but also thanks for embracing me as one of their Destroyers. You guys are all awesome and I have thoroughly enjoyed recapping each and every episode over these last few weeks.
Right, enough of that sentimental bullshit… It’s time to Destroy some Alpha Gammas.
We start today with Mrs. Andrews and a few of the Delta Pi sisters sitting on the couch, (obviously this scene takes place moments after Carrie dumped the entire contents of the punch bowl over the poor Mrs. Andrews) when Ling comes rushing in with Mrs. Andrews’ coat fresh from the dryer.
Mrs. Andrews wants to know how long this little war has been going on for, a while perhaps? Jessie says that it hasn’t just been a “while” it’s been “forever” and asks how long they’re going to leave them down there. “Well until they stop acting like see you next Tuesdays” (wait, what? Does she mean a….) Turns out yep, that’s what she meant, and luckily we have Marty there to clarify just in case anyone was still unsure, “Oh, cunt.”
Down in the basement, Carrie and Autumn are sitting facing each other, staring… It’s a staredown. Autumn is the first to break the silence “This is all your fault”. Carrie just scoffs at her; maybe if Autumn kept her legs closed, none of this would have happened. Autumn muses that is Carrie had of kept her man on a leash he wouldn’t have strayed.
Oh please, Autumn; if you had done a better job with what’s between your legs, he wouldn’t have come running back to Carrie with his “tail between his legs” which is more she can say for Professor Whatshisname, Speedy Gonzales, or whatever.
Autumn tries to tell Carrie that her poor Delta Pi brain wouldn’t be able to understand such things (what things? I’m confused). Carrie seems to be of the same mindset as me here, she’s sure it’s really complicated but perhaps Autumn’s Daddy could buy her a shrink. (oooh, score one for Carrie). Autumn counters, maybe she should get her Daddy to buy Carrie some new clothes so she can stop walking around looking like “Taylor Swift’s asshole” (ok, round two goes to Autumn).
Carrie seems nonplussed by Autumn’s retort because honestly Autumn’s just mad “because the Alpha Gamma’s are over” (burn!) But Autumn fires again, “Honey… The Delta Pi’s never were” (double burn!) Carrie’s back with a quick “Whatever Kristen Stewart” (low blow Carrie, even against Autumn. Low blow).
Autumn seems confused. The whole point of this war was because she hooked up with whatshisface? (yeah, I refer to him as that too. Or jerk, or jerkface, same difference). Carrie dated “whatshisface” for 2 years, a bond that took Autumn only 2 minutes to ruin. Wow, 2 minutes, Carrie’s apparently giving jerkface (see, interchangeable) too much credit because from Autumn’s recollection it lasted a grand total of 45 seconds (haha. Oh jerkface, you should probably see someone about your little problem).
What a coincidence, 45 seconds is all it took Carrie to get “Chachi” fired because of his and Autumn’s little tryst. Well, that and Autumn’s “slutty vagina.”
Slap!
Autumn connects with Carries cheek.
Slap!
Carrie returns the favour.
(this is awesome… and weirdly hot).
The stareoff continues.
Autumn starts to speak quietly, almost timidly, “You were not the only one who was hurt here” she says. She tells Carrie that she loves Eddie (it would seem that Professor Whatshisname Chachi Sanchez has a first name), but Eddie loves his wife (no shit Sherlock), he’d already ended things with her before Carrie done went and got him fired (should that make me care? He not only has sex with a student, he did so while married, so no, Autumn’s admission has little bearing on my care factor). BooHoo. She goes on; her life is ruined “Are you happy?”
Carrie answers, “Yeah. I kind of am” (Of course she is. Wasn’t that the whole idea all along?)
Autumn goes on to tell her that Carrie can sit there and enjoy her little victory dance all by herself because when all is said and done, at least her AG sisters will still be around waiting for her, can Carrie say the same about hers? (ok, totally fair call).
Carrie has a flashback to the moment (in last week’s episode) in the stairwell with Jessie and the look on her face when she told Carrie that enough was enough.
Autumn can see the look on Carrie’s face during her moment of reflection and tells her that maybe if she wasn’t so obsessed with her, maybe she could have done something with “that sad group of girls” (oh, that’s not nice. They’re not sad, they’re… special).
Carrie get’s on the defensive telling her they’re not sad, they’re good girls with big hearts (they’re good digging up dirt on others that’s for damn sure), but as for herself, she’s just one big bitch, and her emotions begin to show themselves (see I wouldn’t call her a bitch exactly. A conniving, manipulative, revenge seeking, scorned woman, sure, but bitch… hardly).
Well, Autumn doesn’t agree with that declaration telling Carrie “You wish” (haha, takes one to know one, am I right?)
As the music begins to play, we’re back to the stareoff, but this time, something’s a little different, they’re… smiling (what?!?).
The song selection this week is the aptly named “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks (if I were made to choose a song to be the theme song of my life… this would be it without question).
I honestly don’t know how to summarise Carrie and Autumn’s performance here. It’s awesome. It’s intense. It’s an entire season’s worth of hatred, plotting, scheming rolled into one (see what I did there?)
As the song progresses we see the Alpha Gamma house tallying the votes to wither keep or replace Autumn as president. Judging by the applause and the look of joy on Autumn’s face, I’d say they voted to keep her. Mary clasps her hands together and (appears to) thanks Jesus (of course). Arlie and Britney make up or make out (which I’m guessing is the same thing) on the couch. Jen jumps up and proudly gives off the Vulcan Salute (yay, Jen! No more hiding).
At the Delta Pi house Jessie finds a note taped to her door. Inside the note says “I’ve been an ass. I’m sorry” with an accompanying hand drawn picture of a woman’s body with an arrow pointed to the ass (I found that amusing). As Jessie looks up she notices a very humbled and apologetic looking Carrie. Outside in the garden, Ling is watching Maury on her laptop (probably still fearing that she’ll end up as a guest) as she opens the mail. It’s a letter from the board about their recent inspection by Mrs. Andrews, and oh look they scored a “barely pass” (and a big phew for Ling who now no longer needs fear the Maury Povich show).
Carrie’s out back taking out the trash (no that’s not a euphemism; she is literally placing bags of rubbish into the bin). She’s holding the now infamous giant notepad that she wrote their semester goals on all those episodes ago, as Marty, Jessie and Stacey round the corner. They notice what she’s holding, and Carrie notices the looks on their faces and their mirror image crossed arms, and she turns and shoves the notepad into the bin.
The song continues with the sisters from both houses joining in, in celebration and Carrie holding a boombox (type device, chances are it was an iPod dock) outside the front door of one Adam (yay! Adam!). As he steps out Carrie gives one of the best pout/sadfaces I have ever seen (give the girl an award). Adam must have melted at the sight before him (as he should) because he beams a bright smile at Carrie and ever-so-slightly nods his head.
Back at the Delta Pi house and Carrie opens the front door to find a basket of cookies lying on the doorstep, cookies with the word “Slut” frosted on top. She looks out to the street and finds Autumn sitting in her car smiling. As Carrie takes a bite of the slut cookie (yes, that’s what I’m calling them) she gives Autumn the Delta Pi salute, Autumn drives off and Carrie heads back inside.
Fade to black.
Well Destroyers that’s it. It’s done, over, finished, completed. It didn’t end the way I was expecting, and that is a marvellous thing because nothing I could have imagined would have been sufficient and this most certainly was. It ended beautifully.
There’s nothing left to say except thank you. Thank you to Leah McKendrick for creating Destroy The Alpha Gammas, Thank You to the entire cast and crew for being a part of something unlike anything I had seen before, and Thank You to anyone and everyone who’s joined me along the way with these recaps. It’s been an honour.
Stay cool, Destroyers…. Here’s to hoping there’s a next time.
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