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Television / Recaps PopWrapped | Television

Witches Fear "The Replacements" In Last Night's American Horror Story: Coven

PopWrapped | PopWrapped Author

PopWrapped

@PopWrapped
10/24/2013 7:08 pm
PopWrapped | Television
Witches Fear

Rosie Clarke

Staff Writer

If you’re a democrat, you could be a witch. And don’t try to have sex with a Minotaur. That’s pretty much the most sense you’ll make from this week’s American Horror Story: Coven installment. In the lead up to the Halloween episode next week, “The Replacements” was as compelling as it was repulsive. A restless Fiona teeters down to the drawing room in the middle of the night to wash down her sleeping pills with some booze... We’re immediately sucked in because Fiona, alcohol and drugs has led to some fun (and often murderous) scenes in the past! RIP random science guy from the pilot.  Hey presto, she starts flashing back to an act of unspeakable (will Denis O’Hare ever get a line this season?) violence she committed in her youth. The year was 1971, and a teenaged Fiona had stayed behind after class to chat to the then Supreme witch/headmistress of Miss Robichaux's Academy, Anna Lee. The old lady seems kind and fluffy, not the type of person to last long on  AHS. She asks Fiona whether she wants to attend the bra burning sesh with the other girls, but alas: “Why, so I can gag on the toxic fumes coming off all that burning playtex? No thanks.” Well, I guess Fiona never was much interested in making friends. We then get a little back and forth conversation between the two as Fiona questions her headmistress about how she knew she would be the new Supreme. I feel like it’s a tad reminiscent of Tom Riddle’s Horcrux chat with Professor Slughorn back in Half Blood Prince... But maybe that’s just me. Not that I think Fiona is the Voldemort of Coven... Then again, maybe she is and we’re just being blinded by Chanel. Foreshadowing seems to be the main point of this scene: We learn that each new Supreme gets their full range of powers by draining the old one (magic always comes with a price - thanks OUAT), and we also hear Anna Lee claim she’s seen the future. Anna: “You vicious little gash! I’ve seen the ruin you will bring this coven if you are allowed to take power now. You’re a selfish, craven little child, Fiona. And I will make it my mission to ensure that you will never take the thrown. I’ll see you burn in hell first.” Fiona: “Fine, save me a spot.” Slice. The ole throat slit is not a nice way to go. At least it’s fast though; Anna Lee should really count herself lucky.
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We move back into the present day just as it’s revealed that the school butler, Spalding witnessed the whole 1971 drama and is coolly watching Fiona drink herself to sleep in the drawing room. Who is this guy? I hope we get his backstory soon. Fiona seems unabashed by his presence: “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”
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After the credits, we’re still with Fiona except this time she’s drinking in a jazz club, talking about dancing, and power, and men, and something about how she never expected the dance would end. Even though she’s being kinda creepy and egomaniacal, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her when she longingly watched that guy ask a girl to dance. Dammit I sort of want Fiona to get the youth serum she’s so desperately after... The scene with her at the doctor’s office is great because she insists on watching footage of the surgery she’s inquiring about. She starts to cry at the brutality of it, which is pretty ironic really after what we’ve seen her do to an old lady. Eventually it’s revealed the surgeon cannot operate on her because she has cancer. Not a great day for Fiona Goode. In the slightly blander world of Zoe, we get a strange glimpse into frat boy Kyle’s home life as she decides to visit his mom. Of course the woman still thinks her son is dead, so she’s still grieving, but it did strike me as odd that she was smoking her son’s pot. (Of course, later revelations do much to highlight the Freudian nature of this scene. Gross.) Zoe, being the naive one, seems to warm to the old broad though and insists she’ll see her son again. “He hasn’t left us.” Back at Miss Robichaux's: Queenie, Nan and Madison are enjoying the view from the veranda as the new boy-next-door, Luke, whips his shirt off to cool down while moving boxes. I dread to think what will become of this poor boy. His mum is Patti LuPone though, so there’s that. Who doesn’t love Patti LuPone?
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Turns out witches don’t really love Patti LuPone... At least not the devout, religious nutjob Patti LuPone that lights up our screens this season. Madison and Nan get a very unfriendly welcome when they pop round scantily clad (ahem, Madison) and bearing sugary gifts (ahem, Nan) to impress Luke. Bad luck though girls, he has to pop off to bible study with his mother. It looks like Nan might have a shot with him though, I guess being able to read minds really does pay off sometimes. Nan: “It’s yellow cake with butter frosting, I knew it’d be your favourite.” Luke: “It’s the one thing I can’t resist!”
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When Patti forbids the young ladies to return and demands they leave immediately, Madison gets all witchy and makes the cake knife fly into a wall... Oh and she sets the drapes on fire. Apparently this is a whole new trick! Are we looking at the future Supreme? I still have my money on Nan. The girl has ways.
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LaLaurie has gone from super-villain to medieval jester in this episode - she’s even being forced to wear a costume, albeit a maid’s uniform. Coven is really having fun with throwing this historical figure into the present day, it’s actually a great way of undermining her hateful values. We laugh at her, so she has no power. When we first meet her this episode for instance, she’s inconsolably distraught at having been informed America now has a black president.
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Fiona: “I voted for him... Twice. We’ve also had black secretaries of state, supreme court justices, and even... The poet laureate.”
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You can always rely on Fiona to twist the knife... And we love her for it! When Delphine LaLaurie refuses to wait on Queenie because “I may be a maid but there are limits to my servitude,” Fiona responds by appointing her Queenie’s personal slave.
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In the ethereal fantasia that is Misty Day’s cabin, monster-Kyle looks so clean and snug you’d almost forget that he was resurrected from the dead not long ago! Amidst candlelight and the humid swampy air, Misty sings along to another one of her Stevie Nicks records and tells monster-Kyle soothing Fleetwood Mac inspired stories about how “you can’t be your best self until you find your tribe.”
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She also does the Stevie Nicks twirl. I'm officially obsessed.
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Zoe wanders in to take monster-Kyle home, and marvels at how much better his scars look thanks to Misty’s gator dung treatments. Monster-Kyle runs his fingers through Zoe’s hair as though he might actually remember her, while Misty tries to convince Zoe they should both stay with her forever instead of driving back to the city. Zoe: “I’ll come back for you, I promise.” Misty: “No you won’t.” Monster-Kyle really seems to want to stay with Zoe, he even lashes out at Misty when she tries to pull him away from her, but Zoe is certain that he’d rather go home to his mother. She drops him off outside his mother’s front door, then hides behind a tree. This is when shit gets seriously weird.
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The next time we see monster-Kyle, he’s looking a bit peaky in his old bed. In comes his mother, who comments that when she walked in on him in the shower earlier, his body looked different. Oh no, where is this going... “I nearly died from missing you baby.” Well, only because you threatened to kill yourself. “You’re still my beautiful boy. We’re together again.” Okaay.. Wait what?! She then starts kissing him way inappropriately and when her hand slides down, as he silently starts to cry, you can almost hear AHS fans across the globe vomiting into their late night snack bowls. Major ick factor. Poor Kyle. Why couldn’t Zoe have just left him in Stevie Nicks Land, baking cakes filled with rainbows and smiles, with Misty? Sob. Side note: Anyone else thinking the Oedipal themes may cross over into his relationship with Zoe? After all, it’s possible that he’s so attached to her because it was her blood that resurrected him. Food for thought, is all.  Later on, monster-Kyle is reduced to a rocking mess on the floor when his mother tries it on with him again. Poor old Kyle loses it and uttering his first word since the resurrection, “Nooo!” he bashes the sick cow’s head in with some kind of trophy. Of course this means that when Zoe pops round to check on him, she sees the bloody mess that’s left of her skull mashed into the carpet, and monster-Kyle covered in her blood, looking a tad deranged. To paraphrase season one’s Constance, what is she going to do with you now, monster-Kyle?
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In other news, Delia continues on her quest for a baby. (Apparently she doesn’t know or care about the many atrocities her students have committed in her absence.) After being told there is something wrong with her blood, the fertility doctor admits there’s nothing he, nor any other MD, can do for her. Are we supposed to think she has the same ailing condition that Fiona has? Or do all witches simply have bizarre blood work? In a last ditch attempt to get what she wants, Delia pays Marie Laveau a visit.
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Marie describes a voodoo fertility spell with a 100% success rate. Too bad it’s as rank as you’d expect, involving a sacrificial goat and “two ounces of your husband’s baby gravy in a mason jar.” However, even though Delia agrees to pay the spell’s $50 000 price-tag, Marie laughs in her face. “I ain’t gonna do no voodoo medicine on you! Not for $50 000, not for $100 000. You’re the daughter of my sworn enemy!” Cue the tragic close-up of Delia as a single tear rolls down her right cheek and Marie cackles loudly in the background.
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The whole scene is made even more brilliant by the intermittent shots of Bassett playing solitaire on her iPad. Bitches be bored. Of course it wouldn’t be American Horror Story if there wasn’t another WTF moment thrown into the second half of the episode. That’s where the Minotaur comes in! How did he even make his way to the school? Did Marie give him the address or does he have some kind of radar built into his horns? Either way, he scared the crap out of Queenie and Delphine, who were in the kitchen bickering over food and love, respectively. Delphine freaked out as she knew he was after her, Queenie decided to be all “I’ll handle this,” slashed Delphine’s hand to soak up the blood with a hankie, and used it to lure the Minotaur out into the shed. Then the most random thing happened: Queenie started telling the Minotaur a story about how they are both the same because people think they’re monsters but they’re not. Then she started trying to seduce the Minotaur. Except it was weird, tragic, totally wrong seducing that made me cringe and yell “you deserve better, Queenie” at the screen. Like seriously, Queenie was awesome last week and this week she humiliated herself for a guy with a bull’s head. What happened? Then the Minotaur grabbed Queenie with his hoof and Lord knows what happened next...
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Finally then, we catch a glimpse of what could have been the greatest gruesome twosome on the show! Fiona and Madison got chummy. Well sorta. After Patti LuPone informed Fiona that little miss “witch bitch” had set her drapes on fire, Fiona immediately thought Madison could be the next Supreme. She sent Patti home with the genius line, “You know I’ve never understood you bible thumpers and your hypocrisy towards sex. I know behind closed doors you’re the biggest perverts of all,” and invited Madison out for a little chat and a light lunch.
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During lunch, Fiona laments being a terrible mother to Delia and tells Madison she has “so much to teach!” Madison immediately peps up and asks Fiona to teach her. It’s actually sweet seeing them together they seem to let their softer sides out a little. What a shame it only lasts a few more minutes... While watching all the guys fawn over Madison, it becomes clear that Fiona sees her younger self in her and fears she’ll suffer the same fate as Anna Lee. When the two return to school late that night, Fiona leads her into the drawing room and reveals how she slit her teacher’s throat back in the day. She then urges Madison to do the same to her, so Madison can take all the power and she won’t have to die a slow death. Fiona pulls out the knife and tries to hand it to Madison, but Madison refuses to take it (we’re with you there girl, I mean who would wanna be the bitch that killed off Jessica Lange?). A struggle ensues and Fiona winds up slitting poor Maddie’s throat.
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It’s not exactly clear whether it was an accident or not but that Spalding dude is right behind her, watching. Just like old times...
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Does this mean Fiona will live a bit longer while she waits around for the next Supreme? Or will one of the other girls take on more powers? I’m just totally gutted that Madison is dead, she was much more interesting to watch than Zoe! There’s always the Misty factor to consider though, perhaps we will see her alive again. Overall, this week was pretty wicked. Not quite as funny as the last two episodes, but it certainly had more shock value and was chock-a-block full of crazy. Just three episodes in, I almost dread to think what Coven’s got in store! Witch Weekly: As this ep was fairly Fiona-centric, I think she came out on top. The woman is cray, she spouts out one-liners like they’re going out of fashion, and she is quite literally not afraid to cut a bitch. She uttered this beauty while seated in front of the spot her portrait was going to hang (if Madison had killed her), surveying Madison’s dead body through the smoke of her freshly lit cigarette. “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.”
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Sweet dreams ‘til next week, guys! (Tartan-loving red-head lady is back!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59baP9fkwbU http://www.Twitter.com/PopWrapped http://www.PopWrapped.Tumblr.com/ http://www.SoundCloud.com/PopWrapped http://www.Facebook.com/PopWrapped http://www.Instagram.com/PopWrapped http://www.Pinterest.com/PopWrapped http://www.YouTube.com/PopWrapped http://www.PopWrapped.wordpress.com/ http://www.PopWrapped.com

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