Today comedian and movie star Amy Schumer turns 35 and to honor her birthday, we are going to share 35 of her best jokes from her career. Buckle up and get ready to read some classic jokes and get a good laugh on this Thursday! We will preface this list with a general warning for inappropriate language and more. You have been warned.
"I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine."
"I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head."
"There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell."
"It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'"
"I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'"
"Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'"
"I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years."
"In New York I'm, like, a six - seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, 'What the fuck is that?' Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, 'Beyonce calls it jelly.' They were like, 'That's cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.'"
"I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole."
"The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!'"
"I just went through a break up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'"
"I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'"
"I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'"
"I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you."
"You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'"
"She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant."
"Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?"
"He's like, okay, here's your new diet. So for breakfast, you'll have a smoothie. Then for lunch, you'll journal about that smoothie. And then you put a peanut under your pillow and you hope you dream about pizza."
"Have you ever dated a sex addict? At first, it's so much fun.
You're like, 'Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?' And then
you're like, 'Oh no. He would f—k a mailbox.'"
"Women want to come. Of course we want to come! What girl is like, 'Oh no,
it's cool. I'm just honored to be witnessing your process? No, I don't want to
feel the one good thing we're allowed as humans. Just you. Please. Anywhere!'"
"That movie's about talking animals—there's a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed-and-breakfast—but that's not the most unrealistic part of that movie. It's Rosario pretending—she should get an Oscar for that f—ing movie. Let's see Meryl do that. I dare you, Meryl! Pretend like you're dying to have Kevin James deep-d–k you. I dare you. It's f—ed up in Hollywood."
"I just got my first UTI at 33 and nobody tells you how
embarrassing it's going to be. Like, 'How'd you get it?' You know how I got it! I had
sex and then I was too lazy to pee right after. I chose to lay there like a come dumpster just...a receptacle. Was I savoring the moment? What was I doing?"
"I was dating an infectious disease doctor, 'cause two
birds," she said with a knowing wink. "He wound up being like an
insane alcoholic and, uh, that's my thing. I feel like in most relationships
there's one alcoholic and one person who's sad about it. And I wanted to be
like the fun one!"
“The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.”
“I will speak and share and f*ck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.”
“It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”
“Boxing is like stand-up. Getting hit in boxing really made me feel stronger as a stand-up, because it’s like having your worst fears happen to you. That gives you power, because you’re no longer scared of it happening anymore. You got hit, and it hurt, but you’re okay.”
“I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.'”
“I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.”
“I like making things. I like working on them. I want people to see them. But I’m not so excited to leave my apartment the day after they do.”
“All of a sudden, being witty and charismatic didn’t mean shit. Day after day, I could feel the confidence drain from my body. I was not what these guys wanted. They wanted thinner, blonder, dumber … My sassy one-liners were only working on the cafeteria employees, who I was visiting all too frequently, tacking on not the Freshman 15, but the 30, in record-breaking time, which led my mother to make comments over winter break like, ‘You look healthy!’ I was getting no male attention, and I’m embarrassed to say, it was killing me.”
“Now I feel strong and beautiful. I walk proudly down the streets of Manhattan. The people I love, love me. I make the funniest people in the country laugh, and they are my friends. I am a great friend and an even better sister. I have fought my way through harsh criticism and death threats for speaking my mind. I am alive, like the strong women in this room before me.”
"One of the first times I was papped they caught me stand-up paddle boarding in Hawaii. I didn't even recognise myself. I saw the shots and thought, 'Oh cool, Alfred Hitchcock is alive and likes water sports.' But nope. It was me."
"Quick tip: Do not try to ditch a cab when you are blackout drunk and then get in bed naked with your mother. The cabdriver will follow you home and knock on your door, and then your mother will have to apologise and give him cash while you lie giggling and nude under the sheets."
"I always fantasised about losing my virginity the way I think most girls envision their weddings; being surrounded by friends and family, with a clergyman present. "
Happy Birthday Amy!