Come, little twenty-somethings who grew up running around their house screaming “AMOK, AMOK, AMOK,” I’ll take thee away, into a land where your childhood is totally ruined, because guess what, they’re remaking Hocus Pocus.
Halloween Classic Hocus Pocus Getting A Remake, Not A Sequel
Yes, you read that right. A remake. Not a sequel. Not a reboot. A remake. And if you think that’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea, congratulations, you’d be correct.
For those of you who managed to reach an age where you are able to read this article without ever having seen the classic Halloween film (that’s right, a film) Hocus Pocus, here’s a quick rundown. Witch sisters Winifred, Mary, and Sarah Sanderson get resurrected in modern-day Salem (or in this case, 1993-ish), and chaos, tricks, treats, and ridiculously quotable dialogue ensue.
Hocus Pocus has held a treasured, pumpkin spice-coated place in the hearts of, well, pretty much everybody, and is easily an autumnal staple. I mean, I honestly haven’t met one person who has seen Hocus Pocus and hated it, so if you’re out there, I’d love to meet you. In the meantime, I maintain that the best way to spread Halloween cheer is playing Bette Midler’s cover of “I Put A Spell On You” loud for all to hear.
Now, look. Remakes are not inherently a bad thing. In fact, I generally support them because, if nothing else, they tend to introduce new people to the original material and create new fans. Even if they end up being terrible. Nothing wrong with that.
Some things, however, are sacred. And Hocus Pocus is one of them. Fans have been begging for a sequel for years, desperate to see the Sanderson sisters, played to absolute witchy perfection by Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker, reunite on screen once again. Midler didn’t give us much hope, true enough, especially after telling Facebook in 2015, “After all these years and all the fan demand, I do believe and firmly say an unequivocal no.” A year later, however, Parker rekindled the interest, revealing that she “would love” to do a sequel. So who were we to believe?
Hocus Pocus Remake Will Be a "Reimagining"
And now, after 20 years of wishing and hoping, we’ve been given this: a Disney Channel remake. Deadline first reported the news, saying that a TV movie was in the works, a “reimagining” of the original. With different writers, a different director, and without any of the original cast. Call me a resentful, curmudgeonly millennial, but I have to ask: what, really, is the point?
For the record, Disney Channel, nobody likes it:
I'm not even opposed to a HOCUS POCUS remake, but how does that take precedence over a sequel where EVERYONE is interested in returning? pic.twitter.com/N0fgSZKBfx— The NYC Film Chick (@TheNYCFilmChick) September 28, 2017
everyone: "is hocus pocus 2 ever going to happen?"— ????????donna???????? (@cheshiregirlie) September 28, 2017
hollywood: "HOCUS POCUS REMAKE?? YOU GOT IT!"
everyone: "no we'd like a sequ-"
Hang on, they're doing a Hocus Pocus REMAKE not sequel? pic.twitter.com/ZYvSFyn7Br— Liam Hughes (@liamo_dh) September 28, 2017
Good morning to everyone except the person who decided to remake Hocus Pocus as a Disney Channel movie— Nicole Pomarico (@nicolepomarico) September 28, 2017
I wish I had 280 characters (a thing that nobody asked for) to rage about the remake of Hocus Pocus (a thing that nobody asked for).— AnnoyingActorFriend (@Actor_Friend) September 28, 2017
What made the original so iconic was, without a doubt, the cast. And I will tell you right here and now, there is no one, and I mean no one, I would rather see hop aboard a flying vacuum cleaner than Kathy Najimy.
All we want is for these three sisters to be resurrected one more time. Until then, I guess I’ll just keep patiently waiting for another virgin to accidentally light the candle.