Crepé Labouche’s Creepy Letters To Celebrities: Iceman And The Normalizing

Dear Iceman,

“Iceman Cometh!” Do you remember? That’s what you used to scream at me in bed. I was happy you were almost finished. What about that time you made me wear that stupid Rogue wig. “Oh yeah, touch me Rogue touch me. So much touching,” was another favorite of mine. How about when my face kept banging the wall as you were getting me from the back, “Go through the wall, Kitty Pryde.”

You’re GAY?! What was all that, an exercise in sadistic role-play? You’re gay now? What about everything between us? Did it mean nothing? Did I mean nothing? Was I just a beard? A beard with a beard? Oh, it’s only your past self in the future who might be gay? Not you, though? Even though that one time when you made that thing out of ice and asked me to…you know. I’d never done that before. It was exciting. I just never expected you to be so open. You are not going to run your hands through my hair and feel my lumpy foam breasts that stay eternally perky in a bra I picked out especially for you because it was cold resistant. What about our children that the doctor told you I could never carry? What will become of them?

I suppose now you’ll actually want to look at me from the front. You’re probably going to want to go down there and play with Captain Winky aren’t you? I’m a poof. Now. Now, I’m a poof. Can’t go anywhere these days without hearing about the poofs. You’ve turned me into one. Before I was a majestic creature of unknown gender origin. Now, I’m just a homosexual in funny clothes. I suppose I won’t be jamming you with things made out of ice but you’re going to want to use the goods. I’m going to have to look you in the face aren’t I? Cause you’re going to want to make out and cuddle. Ugh. This just got really gay. Whose gonna spit ice shards in my mouth and call me sloppy? You’re making me feel so normal.

You want to hang out? I think I’m busy that day. No, that day too. I have to wash my wigs that day. I mean my hair. All of my hair. My neighbor’s hair too. That day I have a headache. Oh my Gawd. I’m on my period all that month. I know it only comes around every month. What happened to Iceman? You’re like Icetwink, with the power to cling. Like ice. In a freezer. To the freezer wall. Thanks Marvel for all this gay fluff. Sometimes a girl just wants a good plow and for you to go home. You’re asking me to marry you. I would not bring me home to your mother. I know what I’ve done with my mouth. So do you.

Deviant level average,

Crepé La Bouche