I’m going to say something that has probably never been said about any production of Annie… ever:

Even the dog is bad.

Nobody gets out alive in this. Nobody.

To be perfectly honest, the preview was so horrific that I was hoping for (at least) a little bit of a train wreck. Plus, I still don’t understand the purpose of doing Annie without…Annie (a little girl resembling the famous cartoon character gets dissed for being uncool in the first sixty seconds). Therefore, I was somewhat disappointed during the first forty minutes or so because, for this duration, the movie’s just poor.

And then Cameron Diaz “delivers” what is typically Miss Hannigan’s show-stopping number “Little Girls.” And stop the show she does. Terminally and fantastically. Your teeth will hurt. The first couple to exit the theater took their leave right after this song. Like good punctuation.

Cameron has been instructed to play Miss Hannigan as an alcoholic, white-trash welfare queen who’s bitter about not having a music career. It’s amazing. It’s like she’s not in a movie, but a campfire skit. Or a Sid & Marty Krofft show in the 70’s. You will not understand.

From then on, it’s one of the worst movie musicals in history.

The next hour is filled with jaw-dropping, head-scratching attempts to put A LOT of “stank” on the proceedings. Classic songs from the score and new material by Ja-yZ are mashed together in an awkward, clumsy, and incredibly auto-tuned mess. Sometimes it sounds like a female Stephen Hawking hitting the high notes.

The kid playing Annie (Oscar-nominated actress Quvenzhane Wallis) is pushing this as hard as a commercial actor selling juice-boxes. If you’re gonna star in Annie, you need to be able to sing and dance. Like…really well. The sweet thing can’t do either. Period. Apparently playing a starving kid who doesn’t talk much does not prepare one for musical comedy.

Character actor Bobby Cannavale will have nightmares about singing “Easy Street” for the rest of his life. Every number executed by an adult is an assault in this thing.

Jamie Foxx, Rose (lovely-but-really-can’t-sing) Byrne and everybody else flail like dying dolphins to sell this to a six year-old audience. But, no.

Really, no.

You would have to go back to Lucille Ball’s Mame to catch a Broadway classic; this was gang-raped by so many talented people in a misguided film adaptation. And that includes Rent.

But the unforgivable:

The dog is not good.

Don’t.

Not even for the kids.

You’ll be sorry.

P.S. Loudinni specializes in reviews you can read in under a minute.

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